One Piece Myths
by three-days-late
Summary: Myths that you know and love brought together One Piece-afied!
1. The Tale of Cupid and Psyche

**So, I decided to go ahead and make this collection, so this gets moved there. Feel free to suggest your favorite myths for me to do, btw. I don't just do Greek and Roman myths either and also know a surprising amount of Norse and Egyptian myths.  
**

**The original myth is the story of Cupid and Psyche. Nami was supposed to play Psyche, but half way through writing it I decided that Vivi was a much better choice. I also changed some things in the original myth (unavoidable really) such as giving Zoro (who's playing Apollo) a bigger roll (he's only supposed to pop up once) and giving Robin (who's playing a random tower) _a_ roll (the tower's supposed to do all the talking).**

**Anyway, enjoy.**

**Pairings: Sanji/Vivi. A little bit Magellen/Alvida if you look close enough and can figure out whose playing who. **

**And I don't own One Piece.  
**

* * *

Once upon a time, a king had three beautiful daughters, Paula, Kalifa, and Vivi. Vivi, the youngest of the three, was also the most beautiful of them all. So beautiful in fact, that people far and wide started comparing her to the Goddess of Beauty, Boa Hancock. Vivi, being a kind and naïve girl, merely brushed off such praises. Hancock, on the other hand, being above humans, succumbed to the human emotion that is envy, and decided to do something about it.

"Sanji, my son, get in here!" She called. The God of Love, Sanji, flew in eagerly.

"Yes, Hancock! I'm here to serve you, my beautiful Goddess!"

She sighed. "Such praises do not work when one actually _is_ the goddess of beauty. Sanji, I want you to do something for me." She pointed down at Vivi. "You see her, the one that mocks my beauty? Make her fall in love with the most hideous creature that you can think of."

"Of course Hancock! Anyone who claims to out match your beauty should-"

"Yes, just see that it gets gone."

"YEEEEESSSSSS!"

* * *

So Sanji descended to Earth and crept, invisible, into Vivi's room while she was sleeping in a way that was _not_ similar creepy stalker. He pulled out one of his arrows and proceeded to stab her with it, but stopped suddenly. Gazing down at the sleeping princess, he couldn't help but fall in love with her. In his hesitation, his grip slips and he ends up stabbing himself with his own arrow.

"Well shit." His little outburst caused Vivi to stir, and in a panic, Sanji fled.

* * *

The people of the world continued to praise Vivi for her beauty, yet for all of their praising, Vivi had yet to be offered a hand in marriage. Discouraged, Vivi's parents decided to consult the might oracle, Zoro. He, however, was busy at the moment.

"I'm not doing it." Zoro said.

"C'mon." Sanji replied.

"No, I'm not abusing my power like this. It was _your_ slip up anyway."

"Just do it."

"No."

"Do it or I'll kick your shitty ass all the back to Olympus.

"Yeah, like you could beat me." They proceeded to fight. Eventually Zoro remembers that he needs to talk to the king and queen and forced Sanji to leave.

"So, Might Oracle Zoro, what should we do about Vivi?"

"Um, well, you see, Vivi is clearly too beautiful for any mortal man to handle. You're going to have to leave her on the nearest mountain where she's to wed a monster so horrible that neither the Gods nor mortals can put up with him." _That bastard better appreciate this._

* * *

The king and queen were quite troubled by this, but Vivi insisted that this was somehow her fault in the first place and that she deserved to go to please the Gods. So Vivi was left at the bottom of the nearest mountain, where Merry-go was there waiting to take her up to the top. At the top, Vivi was surprised to find the most beautiful mansion that she had ever laid eyes on. When she went inside she found that it was packed with the greatest paintings, pottery, jewels, and treasure that Vivi ever saw.

"Hello Vivi!" Vivi turned to find…nothing. "Don't be alarmed, we are your invisible servants. Just tell us if you ever need anything ever." Vivi felt tugging on her hands as she was being shown around the mansion. "This is your room. Feel free to take a bath and change. When you're ready, come down and dinner will be served." With that, the door was shut and Vivi was left alone.

* * *

Chopper, now visible, ran down to the kitchen where Sanji was cooking a splendid feast. "She's getting ready now."

"Excellent job Chopper. You're doing a splendid job."

"Your praise doesn't make me happy bastard!" Chopper said while doing his little dance.

When Vivi was done with her bath and changed into the magnificent dress that was laid out for her, she went down to the dining room to find the food laid out brilliantly…and no one there.

"Where is everyone?"

"We're here, don't worry." Vivi jumped. "Ack! We didn't mean to startle you!"

"I-it's okay. But where's my husband?"

"He's busy, but he'll be back later tonight, don't worry." With that Vivi sat down and ate her fill. When she was done, Invisible Chopper took her to her room. Sometime after Vivi crawled into bed, she felt someone else crawl into bed with her.

"Ack!"

"Sorry, my love, I didn't mean to startle you."

"…are you my husband?"

"Well, yeah." She started to light a lamp. He grabbed her wrist. "No, don't do that."

"Why not? Can't I see your face?" The voice paused.

"Well, does it really matter?" Vivi thought about it for a bit, but then arms wrapped around her in an embrace and pulled her close while soft lips kissed her gently. Vivi decided to let it go for tonight.

By morning, he was gone, and Vivi spent the following day being pampered on by Invisible Chopper. This pattern repeated for quite some time; her husband returning every night only to be gone by the next morning. Every other night Vivi would ask, "Why can't I see your face?"

"Have you any doubt for my love?" Her mystery husband replied. Vivi would shake her head "If you saw me, perhaps you would fear me, perhaps adore me, but all I ask of you is to love me. I would rather you would love me as an equal than adore me as a god." His words touched Vivi so that she would let the matter drop.

* * *

For some reason, Vivi started to miss her sisters. One night she stated the fact to her husband, and after wearing him down a bit, he decided that they could visit the next day. Vivi was ecstatic, and told the Merry-go the next morning about her husband's agreement in the matter, so the Merry-go went to fetch Vivi's sisters.

When they first arrived they were all happy and grateful to find that their beloved sister had not been eaten like most of the world assumed. However, after Vivi gave them a tour of the mansion where she lived, and recounted all of her husband's numerous acts of love, the sisters started to get jealous. Really jealous.

"So, what's he like anyway?" Asked Paula.

"Who?"

"Your husband." Answered Kalifa.

"Oh, he's very kind and romantic and-"

"Yes, yes we got that much. But what does he look like?" Paula pressed.

"Um, well, I haven't actually seen him yet." The sisters just stared at her. "Well he's really busy during the day and only comes home at night, so…" The sisters shared an evil grin.

"You know, there's a story in the village below about a hideous monster that's supposed to live up here." Kalifa began.

"Yeah, and he's supposed to prey on young girls. You know, buttering them up and flirting with them before going in for the kill." Paula added.

"Y-you guys are just being silly. My husband's not like that."

"Really? How do you know for sure if you've never seen his face?" Questioned Kalifa.

"Here's what you do, little sister. Hide a lamp and a knife by the bedside. When he's asleep, light the lamp, and if he is a monster, don't hesitate in stabbing him through the heart." Paula suggested.

Vivi's eyes went wide with surprise, but nodded and after they left, went to go hid the knife and lamp by the bedside. That night, after her husband came home and fell asleep, Vivi quietly got up and lit the lamp. When the light fell on her sleeping husband, she gasped. He was perfect, soft, golden hair falling gently over his left eye, pale skin practically glowing under the lamp-light, and his wings-he had wings for chrissake!

Her hand shook, however, and some of the wax from the lamp spilled onto his all-to-wonderful face, waking him up. Realizing what was going on, Sanji (for of course it was he) flew out the window. Vivi, horrified at what she had done, jumped out of the window and tried to chase him down, only succeeding to trip up and fall into a mud puddle. No, almost fall into a mud puddle; at the last second Sanji swooped in and caught her. He placed her lightly back on the ground.

"I didn't want you to see who I was because I wanted you to love me for me." Sanji explained. "I was going to tell you eventually, but you had to go and do that. Love cannot truly exist with such doubt in your heart!" and with that flew off, heartbroken.

* * *

Vivi ended up wandering the country-side, also heartbroken, until she came across a temple. _Maybe my love is in there_, she thought, but realized he wasn't when she saw all manner of produce tossed around like this wasn't a place to worship someone. Never one to leave anything a mess, Vivi cleaned it up. When she was finished she turned to find Nami, Goddess of Agriculture, sitting there.

"Thanks for cleaning that up. The mess was starting to get annoying. It's like people don't _want_ a good harvest this year."

After staring for a bit, Vivi came to her sense and responded with a timid, "Y-you're welcome."

Nami sighed before standing up and walking over to Vivi. "Look, I heard about what happened with you and Sanji, and I'd like to help you, you seem like a nice girl." Vivi cheered up quite a bit. "Unfortunately, there's nothing I can do to help you with in this manner." Vivi's spirits sunk. "Hancock is the goddess you originally offended, and it's her son whose heart you broke. You're going to have talk to her." New determination filling her, Vivi set off to Hancock's temple.

* * *

"Well, look who finally decided to show up." Hancock said when Vivi arrived. "You who mocks my beauty and broke my son's heart. What else do you wish to steal from me now?"

Vivi stammered a bit, but stood her ground, "I-I want to see Sanji. I need to apologize."

"As if I would let an annoying whelp like you near him after what you pulled. Lucky for you, however, I am feeling generous today. Come with me." Hancock lead Vivi to a room full to almost bursting of different grains all mixed together. "If you can sort these grains into those baskets over there" she indicated said baskets by the door to the room, "I will let you see Sanji. You have until tomorrow." With that she left.

Vivi collapsed to her knees. Sorting out Nami's produce was one thing, but this was on a whole different level. She started to sob.

* * *

Sanji was standing just outside and heard everything. Cursing Hancock's jealousy, he looked down to find an army of ants nearby.

"You're not seriously going to interfere are you?" Zoro said, standing a few feet away. "You remember what happened last time right? You know, where you stabbed your own leg."

"Shut up! This had nothing to do with you. Your part is over anyway." Sanji crouched down and started influencing the ants to crawl into the room and organize the grains into the baskets for Vivi.

Zoro sighed. "Your funeral I guess. Just don't let Hancock catch you, or it'll just be harder for her." He nodded his head towards Vivi.

"She won't find out if no one tells her."

"I'm not a snitch!"

"Then quit acting like one!" They started fighting.

* * *

When Hancock came back the next morning to find all of the grains organized, she was outraged.

"I happen to know for a fact that he who you have betrayed had a hand in helping you. Honestly, those boys fight so damn loud it was like they _wanted_ me to find them." Vivi just blinked. "Anyway, because of that, you are going to have to perform a different task."

Hancock took Vivi to a river and pointed at the field beyond it where sheep with golden fleece where grazing. "Your task it to collect some golden wool from the sheep for me. You have until sundown." With that she vanished.

Full of new determination, Vivi set out to cross the river.

"Ah, I see you're trying to get the golden wool from the sheep." Vivi jumped and turned to see a long-nosed man sitting by the river bank. "Many men braver than you have failed at the same task. Those sheep may look innocent, but when the sun is shining down on them like that, they'll charge and rip you to shreds as soon as they see you. I, however, being the mighty river-god, have succeeded at this task many times, due to my sheer wit, cunning, bravery, and pure brilliance."

"How can I do this then? Is it just another impossible task she set forth for me to fail?"

Usopp, the river-god, looked up at her with pity. "You seem like a nice girl, and Hancock can be pretty stubborn sometimes. I'll tell you the flawless strategy that the great River-God Usopp has conceived for accomplishing this task." He motioned for her to come closer, which she did, and whispered in her ear, "Wait until noon, when it's too hot for the sheep to stay in the field. They'll go to the shade and the wool you seek will be stuck to the bushes." He leaned back, apparently satisfied.

So Vivi waited until noon, when the sheep did indeed go to the shade, and she walked over to the bushes, which did have the Golden Fleece attached to it, and grabbed an armful. "Thank you very much Mighty River-God Usopp." Usopp smiled as she ran off.

* * *

Hancock was outraged. "That lying river-god helped you out didn't he? Never matter; I have a new task for you." She shoved a small box into Vivi's hands. "Looking after my completely heart-broken son has drained some of my ever-present beauty. You must now head to the Underworld and ask Alvida to share some of hers with me." And so Vivi was off.

The quickest way to the Underworld, Vivi presumed, was to just throw herself off of the tallest thing she could find and let death take her there. With that in mind, Vivi climbed up to the top of a tall tower.

"What are you doing child?" Vivi turned around and saw a beautiful dark haired women smiling serenely at her. "You are far too young and not nearly depressed enough to contemplate something like suicide." Vivi then told her about what happened with Sanji and Hancock's crazy tasks.

"Oh, well, if that's the case, then wouldn't killing yourself be a set back? Gods aren't allowed in the Underworld after all, except for Magellan, of course."

"Then how am I supposed to get there? It's not like there's a back door."

"Well," the women, whose name turned out to be Robin, said, "there actually _is_ a back door. Didn't you hear about that musician who went to the Underworld to claim his dead wife?" Vivi shook her head. "Well, I'll show you where it is." Vivi followed Robin down the tower and to the conveniently located back door.

"Thank you for all of your help." Vivi made her way to the door.

"Don't mention it. Just don't open the box on your way back." Vivi turned around to ask her what she meant, but Robin was gone.

Vivi turned back to face the door and proceeded down into hell. After bypassing the guardian Minokoala and the ferryman Saldeath using secrets that Robin told her on the way there, Vivi came across Alvida sitting in the throne room. After telling her what Hancock wanted, Alvida took the box, filled it, and promptly returned it. Vivi left in quite a hurry after that.

After she got back to the surface, Vivi decided to pull a Pandora and open the box. Instead of finding beauty, she found a sleeping spell and was immediately knocked unconscious. Sanji, who was flying overhead to make sure no harm came to her and was definitely _not_ stalking her, came to her aid as soon as she hit the ground.

"Sweet, naïve Vivi, of course it was a trap." He whispered lovingly, caressing her cheek. He closed the box, thus ending the enchantment, and flew off before Vivi was fully awake. He had a King to talk to.

* * *

Luffy, King of all Gods, was eating meat, as always, when Sanji went to see him.

"Hey, Sanji, how's it going? How's love and all that doing?"

"Fine, I guess, aside from my own broken heart."

"Yeah, I heard about that. Funny how you're the God of Love and all that but you have a broken heart."

"Yeah, hilarious. Listen, Luffy, I need you to talk to Hancock."

"Why? She's supposed to be your mom, you talk to her."

"She won't listen to me. She's being impossible with Vivi and won't just let our love be."

"Being the God of Love, shouldn't you have charge over your own love life no matter what Hancock says?" Sanji kicked him in the head.

"It doesn't work like that! Will you just talk to her?"

Luffy sighed, stood, and handed Sanji a bottle. "Here, just have Vivi drink this. Then she'll be immortal and Hancock'll have nothing to complain about."

"Are you sure? You know what this means right? And I think Hancock will complain no matter what."

"It's fine. I like Vivi, so it's cool. As for Hancock, well, she tends to listen to me, so that'll be cool too." He grinned, and Sanji couldn't help but grin right back.

* * *

So Sanji found Vivi and had her drink the liquid that Luffy gave him, which made her immortal like him, thus allowing them to get married and have some kids, raise a family, all the good stuff.

And they all lived happily ever after, or as happy as Gods can without mortals messing everything up.


	2. Orpheus's Desent to the Underworld

**This one is for Blu-Calling, who was wondering about Brooke's dead wife. Well now you know.**

**The original myth is the story or Orpheus, a Greek poet/musician/hero and how he tries to save his dead wife. Doesn't turn out so well.**

**I wanted Shakky to play the wife, but Cindry fit the role better, having died then been resurrected already. So there you go.**

**Pairings: Brooke/Cindry, Magellan/Domino.**

**And I don't own One Piece.  
**

* * *

Once upon a time, there was a famous musician named Brooke. He was so skilled at playing his violin, that whenever he did so all manners of animals and nymphs and even the occasional god would join in and sing along. One day he met the beautiful Cindry and fell instantly in love. She loved him back with equal fervor, so it was obvious that they did eventually get married.

Brooke was never happier; his songs were always full of happiness and love that they would make even the most emo stink-bug laugh with joy and dance like there was no tomorrow. Cindry was beautiful and lovely and everything was right with the world, so clearly something had to go wrong.

His name was Hogback. He was the random love-child of some god who saw the lovely Cindry in a meadow one day and decided that he must have her for his own! Cindry, being a sensible and reasonable girl, fled the moment he tried to approach her. Their chase ended when Cindry stepped into a snake pit and got bitten. Mere moments later she was dead.

Brooke was distraught. All of his songs were sad and woeful, causing everything within a five mile radius to cry along with him. This of course included the gods.

"Brooke! Your sad songs have moved me to manly tears!" cried Franky.

"So sad…it's so sad…" cried Luffy.

"There must be something you can do…" Cried Nami.

"That's it!" Luffy shouted suddenly. "Brooke! You can go talk to Magellan, God of the Underworld, and ask him to bring Cindry back!"

"But, how can I get there? It's not like there's a back door to hell or anything…" said Brooke.

"What? There isn't? Then I'll just make one. It'll be right over there." Luffy pointed towards a cliff face. Nami hit him on the head.

"You can't just make random entrances to hell!"

"Sure I can! I'm a god!"

"Nice going, Strawhat!" Said Franky. "Now Brooke here can go rescue his damsel!"

"B-but, there's all sorts of scary things in hell…like…dead things…" Brooke said.

"Don't worry, Brooke, you have nothing to fear!"

"Because I will be given your divine protection?"

"No, I'm a bit busy at the moment…" Said Franky.

"Yeah, I've got things to attend to…" added Nami.

"No can do Brooke. Sorry." Luffy shrugged.

"Then how will I be okay?! I'm going into freaking hell!"

Luffy stared him right in the eyes. "You love Cindry right?"

"Yes, but-"

"But nothing. If you love her and you want her back, you'll find a way!" And looking at his determined face, Brooke just couldn't disagree.

Which was how he now found himself facing the Minokoala, the terrifying beast that guarded hell.

"Seriously, why does hell need to protect people from coming in? Who in their right mind would _want_ to go to hell?"

"You're here aren't you?" Saldeath, the ferryman of hell, pointed out.

"Yohoho, well, I'm not exactly what I would call in my right mind. Since I'm here and all though, maybe you can help me. I need to speak to Magellan to see if I can get my dead wife back."

"Nope. Sorry buddy, but you can't just waltz on down to hell and except your loved ones to be brought back. There's a reason why dead things stay dead you know."

"Please?"

Saldeath sighed. "You're going to have to do some pretty heavy convincing."

"That, I can do." Brooke pulled out his violin and started playing the first thing that came into his head. It was a sad song that moved both the stubborn ferryman and the frightening Minokoala to tears.

"That was…just so sad." Saldeath cried. "Alright, I'll take you to see Magellan and Domino. But I'm warning you: don't expect much. The king and queen of hell aren't so easily moved."

"I shall just have to try my best then." Brooke said.

Saldeath took him right into the throne room of hell, where Magellan and Domino were sitting like they owned the place, which they did.

"Saldeath! Who is this man and why did you bring him before me?"

"Sorry Magellan, but his name is Brooke and he's got something to say."

"Well, what is it?"

Brooke gulped audibly and stepped forward. "I'm sorry to interrupt, but my wife died recently and I was wondering if you could bring her back, please?"

Magellan and Domino laughed. "Do you know how many people wish to bring back someone who has died? If I granted everyone their requests, no one would ever end up dead! Why should you be any different?" Brooke took out his violin and started playing.

This song had to have been the saddest one yet. Poor Domino was in tears before Brooke reached the fifth measure. Magellan was at least able to hold out until the very last bars, but in the end he, just like everyone else, was in tears too.

"Th-that was…just so sad…" Domino cried. "Magellan…"

"I know." Magellan said, "I'll resurrect your dead wife, but, I can't just make this so easy for you, you know, there has to be a condition."

Brooke nodded. "I understand."

"Very well. The condition is that you can't look at her."

"Ever again! That almost defeats the purpose of resurrecting her you cruel, cruel man!"

"Let me finish! Not ever again, just not until you both reach the other side again."

"Oh, that's actually very reasonable." Brooke bowed. "Thank you very much."

"Yeah, yeah, just get out of here!"

So Brooke and Cindry climbed up through hell to the surface. Along the way they talked of everything that they were going to do when they got back to the surface. Brooke was thrilled that he was getting this second chance with Cindry and couldn't wait to behold her beauty again. When he finally did get to the surface, he basked in the glow of the sun shining overhead and turned around to share this moment with his beloved.

Unfortunately Cindry wasn't out of hell when Brooke turned around and met her gaze; she was still partway in hell. The moment they both realized this, she vanished, never to be seen on the surface world again.

Brooke couldn't believe what had happened. After all of that work and effort…and she was there…and now she wasn't…

Brooke screamed and cursed the gods and the cruel fate. He snapped his violin in two and never sang another song ever again, instead opting to wander the woods where Cindry died alone, wasting away until he was just bones.


	3. The Rape of Persephone

**First off, I apologize in advance about the long A/N.**

**For everyone who was put off by the title, _rape_ can be defined as _the act of seizing and carrying off by force_. This is the first definition the word had and was used as such during Ancient Greece when the myth was first conceived. Another use of this definition of the word can be seen in Alexander Pope's _The Rape of Locke_. I suppose I could alter the name a bit, but it's what the myth is commonly known as and I'm stubborn about things like that.  
**

**For those of you who will wonder why Sanji is playing both Eros and Hermes, well, after I finished typing up the story, I found an alternate beginning where Eros shoots Hades to make him fall in love with Persephone and liked that better. Eros always has to be Sanji, so I added the beginning completely forgetting that he was already Hermes and was too lazy to pick someon else to be Hermes by that time, so yeah. That's why. **

**This is the Rape of Persephone as requested by Krentenbol. **

**Pairings: **Ace/Camie, Luffy/Nojiko (kind of).

**Enjoy.**

**Reviews:**

**Krentenbol: **Yes, I do to. They're both awesome. I'm a big SanjiXNami fan too, but Vivi fit the role of Psyche much better than Nami. The Trojan War? That could probably be a story by itself! Maybe later when I have more time. ;p

**dandy wondrous: **Yes, it is very sad. Maybe I'll put him in another myth in a happier roll next time.

**Lectori Salutem: **Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it!

**Henna89: **Thank you very much. I hope so, but why don't you be the judge? ;)

**I don't, nor will I ever, own One Piece.**

* * *

Once upon a time there was a young goddess named Camie who was the daughter of Nojiko, goddess of the earth and Luffy, king of the Gods. As Camie got older, she become so beautiful that her mother feared that she would be taken advantage of and kept her away from prying eyes most of the time.

One day Camie was out frolicking in a field of flowers while Sanji, God of Love, was 'keeping an eye on her,' when all of a sudden a monster named Zoro fell from the sky causing a gigantic earthquake that was even felt by Ace, God of the Underworld. Having nothing better to do at the time he decided to go check it out.

"Zoro, what the hell was that for?" Sanji asked.

"Someone pushed me…"

"From the sky?"

"Yeah."

"Well, you should be more careful, you almost hit me!"

"Well that sucks, 'cause I was aiming for your big head!" They started fighting.

Sometime during the fight, one of Sanji's love arrows was accidently set off. This event coincided perfectly with Ace's appearance and subsequent looking around the field. So perfectly, in fact, that the arrow hit him just as he was looking over at cute little Camie. The falling in love was imminent.

"Oh shit…"Sanji smacked his forehead.

"I'm not going to be the one to explain this to Luffy…" Zoro added.

* * *

"What!? You hit my brother with your arrow!? Sanji, how could you? No more arrows for you!"

"It was an accident! Besides he's not dead, just in love."

"Oh. Well, still no more arrows for you. You can't just go around and make random people fall in love you know…"

"It was an accident! It was all Zoro's fault anyway…"

"Sanji, Sanji, you can't just blame Zoro for everything," Luffy said, nodding his head sagely. "You have to take your own responsibility sometimes too."

"That's rich coming from you! You just gave Ace permission to kidnap your daughter!"

"What!? Which one?"

Sanji sighed. "Camie."

"Oh yeah. Ace, you can't kidnap Camie."

"But Luffy…" Ace interjected, "I love her."

"Oh, okay then. Do what you want."

"Luffy!" Sanji shouted, "You can't just let him kidnap Camie! Think of the consequences!"

"Oh, it'll be fine, and stop telling me what to do! Like I'm giving your arrows back now."

"What am I supposed to do without them?"

"Here," Luffy tossed a pair of winged shoes, a winged helmet, and a staff at Sanji. "Because you shot my brother, you're going to have to be my bitch for the rest of the story."

Sanji sighed. "I hate you, I really do."

* * *

Ace, meanwhile, set out to make Camie the Queen of the Underworld. And he had a full proof plan too.

He went back to the field where he first saw Camie and waited. Eventually she came back to the same spot, so Ace opened up the ground beneath her and Camie had no choice but to fall to hell.

"Well that went better than I expected. I hope Nojiko doesn't miss her too much."

* * *

As it turns out, Nojiko did miss her. A lot. So much in fact, that she decided that nothing would be able to grow on the earth and buried the world in ice and snow until Camie was found.

"It's getting pretty bad out their Luffy…" Sanji, messenger of the Gods, commented.

"Ah, it's fine. She's just doing what her heart is telling her to do is all."

"No, like, there's a famine going on. People are dying. You might want to stop this." He twirled his new staff.

"It'll all work out, don't worry, I know what I'm doing." Luffy said, completely relaxed. "And don't you have some errands to run?"

* * *

Ace, while having successfully brought and married Camie, was having trouble making her happy.

"Camie, darling, please stop crying. Tell me what's wrong."

"Y-you, kidnapped me and forced me away from the sun and the flowers and my mother! I wanna go home!"

"Don't be sad, my love, the Underworld can be a happy place too, if you give it a chance."

"It's the realm of the dead! What's so happy about that?"

Ace thought about it for a moment. "Well…there's…you're a queen, can't you be happy about that at least?"

"I miss my friends…"

"If you think about it, everyone has to die sometime."

"Gods are immortal you know."

"Oh yeah." Camie started to cry again, "but don't fret, my love. The Underworld can be just as beautiful a place as the earth was…if you give it a chance."

"R-really?"

"Of course! You're a queen now, remember, so you can have anything you want! Here, try this drink."

She refuses. Ace sighs.

* * *

Nojiko had been wandering around for quite some time now when she stumbled across Pappagu.

"Hey, Nojiko, how's it going?" Nojiko glares at him.

"I've just put the earth in a never-ending winter to reflect my depressed spirit at because my beloved daughter has mysteriously gone missing. How do you think I'm doing?!"

"Missing? Isn't she just hanging out with Ace in hell?"

Nojiko did a double take. "Excuse me?"

"Well, he brought her to the Underworld and everything."

"How do you know this?"

"Well I saw it happen."

"And you didn't do anything?"

"Look at me! I'm two feet tall! I can't really do much, despite the fact that Ace is kind of the _Lord of the Underworld_. I wouldn't stand a chance! Besides, I assumed you knew."

"Pappagu, never assume anything. It just makes an ass out of you and me. Does Luffy know about this?"

"I assume so…"

"What did I just say about assuming things? I'm going to go talk to him."

* * *

"Ah, Nojiko-san. How goes everything?"

"It's eternal winter Sanji."

"And yet you're as beautiful as ever! How may I be of assistance?"

"Where's Luffy?"

"He's indisposed at the moment…"

"He's eating meat, isn't he?"

"Yeah…"

"Let me see him."

"It really is quite a grotesque sight…"

"Let me see him anyway."

"Yes ma'm!" Sanji led Nojiko to where Luffy was, stuffing his face with meat.

"Oh, Nojiko! How's the earth and stuff?"

"It's eternal winter."

"Still? How boring. What's up?"

"Luffy," Nojiko got right up in his face, "did you know that Camie was trapped in the Underworld?"

"Hm? She is? When did that happen?"

"Oh, you know, Luffy," Sanji flipped through some papers on a clipboard that came from nowhere, "I assume around the time when you told Ace he could kidnap her…"

"You did what!?" She grabbed his shirt and started shaking him. "Why. Did. You. Let. My. Daughter. Get. Kidnapped!?"

"Ow! I don't remember! Sanji?" Luffy asked. Sanji flipped through some more pages.

"He said he was in love."

"That's the stupidest excuse I've ever heard!" She tossed Luffy against a pillar. "Go get her back right now!"

"Why should I?"

"If you don't I'll never let this winter end!"

"What's that go to do with me."

"You know," Sanji said, "if winter never ends, the people are going to run out of meat…"

"Yeah, and?"

"Stupid. If they don't have enough meat for themselves, how are they supposed to give meat to you?"

Luffy thought this over for about thirty seconds. "Wait…so…if winter never ends…HOW AM I GOING TO GET MEAT?! Nojiko, end this thing right now!"

"Get Camie back from the Underworld first."

"Fine. Sanji?"

Sanji sighed. "I'm on it."

* * *

Sanji had no trouble finding the Underworld or getting past all of the usually dangers. Finding Camie, on the other hand, was proving to be a bigger challenge.

"You're playing what?" Sanji asked again.

"Hide and seek," Ace replied, "with the Helmet of Invisibility."

"Why…"

"It's more fun this way." He grinned. Sanji slapped his forehead.

"Look, Nojiko is looking for her, and she's pretty steamed so…"

"Mother? Mother is looking for me?" Camie removed the helmet and appeared right next to Ace.

"There you are babe!" He put his arm around her shoulder.

"I've been missing mother. Is she really looking for me?" Camie asked.

"Of course she is, my dear," Sanji replied, "she's even keeping it eternally winter until you return to her side."

"Sorry Ace, it's been fun and all, but…"

"It's alright, my love." Ace replied holding out a pomegranate. "A little snack before you leave?"

"I guess its okay…" Camie took a bite out of the fruit.

"Whoa, wait, hold on a minute-" Sanji said. Ace interrupted by putting an arm around his shoulder.

"Oh, Sanji, relax. Since when where you the one to get in the middle of true love?" Sanji sighed.

"I can't leave a young maiden down here when she clearly wants to go back up." Sanji grabbed Camie's wrist and she dropped the rest of the fruit. It was Ace's turn to sigh.

"I understand." He turned to Camie. "Just, remember me when you're on the surface again, love."

With that, Sanji took Camie in his arms and brought them both back to the surface.

* * *

"Camie!" Nojiko brought her into the biggest bear-hug she was capable of. "I missed you so much!"

"I missed you too, mother." Camie hugged her back with just as much intensity.

"You didn't eat anything while you were down there did you?" Luffy asked.

"Wh-why would you ask that?"

"Standard procedure."

"Of course she didn't eat anything! She knows better than that." Nojiko looked at her daughter. "Right sweetie?"

"Um…well, there was that one pomegranate…"

"What?!"

"But I only ate half of it! I dropped the rest when Sanji-chin grabbed me." Nojiko turned and slapped Sanji.

"Ow! Nojiko-san, why?"

"You _grabbed _her? And you couldn't stop her from eating the _whole_ fruit?"

"Ah, what a bother." Luffy said. "I guess you'll have to go back to the Underworld."

Nojiko clutched Camie with a force that would have crushed any mortal. "But, why?" Camie asked.

"Well, Camie-chan," Sanji explained, "If you eat something while you're in the Underworld, you have to stay there. That's just the way it is."

"If she has to go back to the Underworld, I'm going to make it winter forever again!"

"Erg! What a bother!" Luffy sighed. "Ace, get up here!"

Ace appeared as if by magic. "You called bro?"

Luffy nodded. "Camie at the mystery fruit so she has to go with you, but if she does Nojiko will make it so there's no meat."

"Well, that's not really _my_ fault. Some people need to learn to let go."

"What was that hell boy? You shouldn't kidnap people's daughters!"

"Stop fighting you guys. Can't you just share her?"

"You should care more, Luffy, she's your daughter!" Nojiko shouted.

"Camie's not a piece of meat!" Ace added.

"Actually, that might work…" Sanji said.

"Eh?"

"Pardon?"

"Yeah, I'm so smart." Luffy sat back and grinned. "Sanji, what did I say?"

Sanji sighed. "They could just share her."

"Hey, Sanji, we can't pull a Solomon here…"

"I know that stupid! What I'm saying is that she only ate half of the pomegranate. That's only four seeds, so she only has to be there for four months out of the year. During those four months, Nojiko-san here can rage about in any manner she wishes-which by the way is very cute-and no permanent damage will actually be done to the earth."

"What about the meat?"

"The meat will be fine, dumbass."

"Oh, yeah! That works. I like that plan; let's do that."

"I agree to it I guess," Ace said, "as long as I can have my Queen, I'm happy."

"Humph. As long as I get her back for most of the time, I guess it's okay."

"So, I can stay with mother and Ace-chin?"

"Yup." Luffy grinned. "It's a perfect plan, glad I thought of it."

"I thought of it, idiot." Sanji muttered.

So Camie became the beautiful Queen of the Underworld, which made Ace happy, Nojiko got to take it out on everyone else and keep her daughter, which made her quite happy, Luffy got to keep his meat, and Luffy got someone to fill in part-time as his errand boy when Sanji demanded to become the God of Love again. All in all, a happy ending for everyone.


	4. The 12 Labors of Hercules

**This took a while: 21 pages on word, in case you were cast list is pretty huge too. And I'm sorry to Nami fans for making her a jealous prick. She's just in charactor.  
**

**This is the Greek myth, the 12 Labors of Hercules as requested by Krentenbol.**

**As for some of the obvious changes: Eurysetheus was a bigger coward than Usopp. Sanji, on the other hand, is not a coward. I suppose I could have just had Usopp be Eurysetheus, but nobody gives Zoro meaningless tasks and lives to tell about it except Sanji. Plus their dialog was easier to write that way. Also for anyone who knows the Minotaur myth, yeah, that's the same bull, and yeah, complete role reversal. But it's better that way...if I ever actually do the Minotaur myth, the roles will be in their correct places.**

**Anyways, enjoy.  
**

**Reviews:**

**dandy wondrous: **Thank you! Probably, I am a fan of Artemis and Hermes is like, my favorite. A lot of monsters have a bajillion eyes though...

**Blue-Calling: **Thank you! That makes me feel awesome. I hope you like this one too.

**NeoGene: **Thank you! I find it hard to make Luffy in charactor, so I'm glad you think I got him right. Artemis and Apollo, huh? Why not? She's in this one, but I suppose you mean with her as a staring role ;p

**.EverLastingFun.: **Thank you! This one was kind of long, but worth it...right?

**Krentenbol: **Thank you very much! And you are quite welcome, it was fun to write. I rathe enjoy my sarcasm too, but most people find it annoying. :D

**lilsketch908: **Thank you very much! It's one of my favorites too, so I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)

**HorusTheAvenger: **Thank you! I try, and it's good to know I'm doing it right. Horus huh...maybe could do that next...

**the animaniac dude: **Thank you! Yes, I could picture him doing that too, but he's my favorite charactor, so I might not put him in that role...or would I? o_O

**And I never own One Piece.**

* * *

Once upon a time, there was a man named Zoro. Zoro was the son of Luffy, king of the Gods and his secret mortal lover Kuina. Nami, Luffy's jealous wife, found out about this.

"Nami, I don't see why you're upset."

"You're married to me! You shouldn't be running around getting random mortals pregnant!"

"I'm King of the Gods! That means I can do whatever I want!" Nami glared a glare that would have killed a lesser god. "I-I mean…I can take away his birthright and make Sanji king instead…if you want…"

"Yeah, do that," she said, "but allow me to have some fun with him also…"

* * *

Zoro didn't really know what had happened. One moment he was talking to Tashigi and the kids and everything was fine and then the next something had snapped and he had killed them all. He looked on at what he had done, completely horrified.

"Aw, poor dear. Did you accidentally kill your wife?" Nami appeared nearby and smirked at him. Zoro drew his sword and pointed it at her.

"What did you do?"

"Me? Nothing…you're the one who killed her. So what if I made you go a bit crazy…it was all still by your hand." Her smirk widened; Zoro's glared intensified.

"Is that how you're going to get your kicks now? By destroying my honor? Making my life hell?"

"Your life is what you make of it; if you want it to be hell, than it will be. Just because I gave it a little push means absolutely nothing in the long run. As for your honor…if you want it so bad, you can always get it back…" Zoro kept glaring but remained silent, so Nami took it as a sign to go on. "Go see King Sanji. Do what he says, and you'll get your precious honor back."

Zoro groaned. "Why him?"

"He's the only member of your family right? Well, the only one you haven't killed." Zoro glared again. "Plus he stole your birthright and you hate him, so if you humble yourself to do what he wants, you should get your honor back, right?"

Zoro didn't say anything, just sheathed his sword and started walking down the path.

"Oh, and Zoro?" He turned and glared at her. She pointed in the exact opposite direction that he was heading.

"It's that way."

* * *

"Mellorine! The lovely Nami asked _me_ to have you regain your honor? I shall not fail her!"

Zoro didn't really care about the whole stolen-birthright-thing, being King never really appealed to him anyway. Zoro didn't like Sanji because he was just so annoying.

"Yeah, so, give me whatever stupid task you can think of right now and let's get this thing over with."

Sanji chuckled and shook his head. "One task? You killed off your family; do you really think you can just brush that under the rug so easily by only accomplishing _one_ task?"

Zoro ground his teeth together. "Then what do you want me to do?"

"You will need to accomplish ten tasks that I set out for you. The first one…" he glanced at Zoro thoughtfully. "For the first one, I want you to slay that stupid Richie and bring back his fur."

Zoro blinked. "That's it?"

"Yeah…" Sanji smirked and had an evil gleam in his eye, "for now anyway."

* * *

Richie was a magical lion that behaved very similarly to a human, but was, in the end, a lion. The lethal combination of two of the world's greatest hunters made him a formidable opponent. Also his fur was impervious to attacks. That might have helped him a bit two.

Zoro didn't know any of this when he set out to Cleonae to find the damn thing. The townsfolk that he talked to asking where to find Richie had warned him that he was a force to be reckoned with, but he just pushed it off as paranoia and weakness. There was no way he was going to lose to some lion…especially one that picked its nose.

"Why is a lion picking its nose…?" Zoro wondered aloud as he beheld Richie. Shrugging it off, he fired some arrows that he made at him, only to have them bounce off like they were nothing.

"Well, that's new." Deciding that some more hands on tactics were needed, Zoro started to run after Richie. Richie, having no idea what was going on, ran away. Zoro eventually chased Richie into a cave, where he drew a sword, swung at Richie's neck and…

Nothing. Richie laughed at him. "Shut up!" Zoro whacked him upside the head with a sheathed sword, knocking him unconscious. "Well…that works too." He proceeded to kill him and skin him before heading back to Sanji.

* * *

"Oh, you got it then?" Sanji held up Richie's fur that Zoro had just brought back. "It only took you like three months…did you get lost?"

Zoro blushed. "Shut up! Why did you want the fur anyway?"

"Hm? I thought it would look cooler than this, but I don't want it anymore. Here," He tossed it at Zoro, "you can have it."

"Your generosity knows no bounds." Zoro said in complete monotone. "What's next on your stupid to-do-list?"

"Ever hear of the ferocious Yuda?" Zoro shook his head. "It's a poisonous sea serpent that lives in a swamp not too far from Lake Lerna. It's been causing some problems lately, so I want you to kill it. That'll be your second task."

"Just kill a snake? That's it? At least throw me a challenge, curly-brow."

Sanji's eye twitched at the insult, but otherwise remained passive. "We'll just see how much of a challenge it is then…"

* * *

"Ug, Zoro, my I-can't-go-in-this-swamp dieses is acting up again…maybe you better go on without me…"

"Shut up Usopp, you're fine." Zoro trudged on ahead through the swamp as Usopp scurried behind him to catch up.

"Why do I need to be here anyway? Surely you can take on one little nine-headed Yuda by yourself?" Zoro stopped.

"This thing has nine-heads." Usopp nodded. "Huh." He smirked, "I guess this might be interesting after all." He continued onward. Usopp sighed and followed.

"Can I go back? It's not like you need me to fight it…"

"No, I-uh-don't want to get lost again…"

"That's it? Well, I showed you the way, so I'm just going to…"

"But…how will I get back?" Usopp smacked his forehead.

"You're really something you know?" All of a sudden a terrible screech shook the land.

"That must be the Yuda." Zoro sprinted forward to find it while Usopp tried to keep up.

They arrived at the Hydra's lair. "Well, looks like its sleeping. We should come back later when it's awake, don't cha think?" Usopp turned around to leave. Zoro pulled out an arrow, somehow managed to set it on fire, and fired it into the Yuda's lair. "What do you think you're doing!?"

"Waking it up."

"Yes, but now it's going to get mad!"

"Then let it get mad. I'm going to kill it anyway."

"Why didn't you just do that while it was sleeping then?!"

"Attacking your opponent while they're asleep is only something a coward would do."

"One of these days Zoro…" His words were cut off, however, when the Yuda roared and appeared before them, it's nine heads all turning to glare at Zoro before pouncing. Zoro jumped back and drew a sword while Usopp hid behind the nearest rock. With a quick slice to his left, Zoro succeeded in cutting off one of the Yuda's heads…only to have it grow back again a second later. Thinking it was a fluke, he tried twenty more times with the same result.

"Well that sucks." He ducked behind the rock Usopp was hiding behind.

"Is it dead yet?"

"No, its heads keep growing back…"

"You should do something about that."

"I'm trying! But every time I slice a head off it grows back!"

"Well, only one head is immortal, so you should be able to get rid of the others."

"They. Keep. Growing. Back!"

"I know that!" Usopp bent his head in thought. "I have an idea." He went into the bag that he always carried around with him and pulled out a torch. "Here, you cut off the heads, then set the stumps on fire so they won't grow back."

"I can't cut the head off _and_ set them on fire. You're going to have to do it."

"B-but y-you're perfectly capable of-"

"No, there's too many heads. I rush in and chop off a head; you follow with the fire afterwards. Sound good?" Zoro rushed in without waiting for a reply and started chopping. Usopp stared for a few seconds before cursing to himself and following him in the fray.

After the Yuda was successfully defeated, Zoro went to dispose of the body.

"You could coat your arrows with the blood." Usopp suggested.

"Why would I do that?"

"Yuda blood is poisonous. Poison arrows could help you in the long run."

Zoro mulled over the idea for a few moments before deciding that it was a good one.

* * *

"Doesn't count."

"What?! What do you mean it doesn't count?!"

"Usopp did most of the work. I'm not counting it as one of your ten tasks."

"He barely did anything!" Zoro stamped his foot in his rage.

"Stop throwing a tantrum like a three-year-old." Sanji sighed. "I know you can go out and just kill stuff; that was what the first task was for. Sometimes you've got to use your head too. Besides, _Usopp_ isn't the one trying to regain his honor here now is he."

"I hate you. I hope you die a very slow and painful death supplied by me."

"Aw, isn't that sweet. You know, considering I've kinda got your fate in my hands, you might be a little nicer to me."

"I hate you. Go die."

"Charming." Sanji leaned forward, grinning. "Just thought of something fun for you to do."

"Just tell me what it is."

"You know Robin's beloved pet Chopper?" Zoro nodded. "Catch it for me."

"What? She'll kill me." Sanji gasped in mock surprise.

"Really? Oh, I didn't realize. If it's too hard for you, I guess I could pick something a bit easier…"

Zoro grumbled and left.

* * *

After wandering around for quite some time now, even Zoro had to admit he had absolutely no idea where he was. But, he was in a woods, and the Chopper was said to have been seen in a woods and the woods were Robin, goddess of the hunt's, domain anyway, so he was pretty sure he was close. He decided it was a good time for a nap anyway.

He woke up to find some kind of raccoon-dog thing with antlers and a blue nose staring at him, so naturally, he stared back. The staring game went on for a bit as the creature backed up a few paces, then turned into a reindeer and made a run for it. Zoro blinked in surprise before remembering that the Chopper was said to be able to change shape very similarly to what he had just witnessed. "Hey wait! I need to capture you!" Zoro chased after him.

Zoro chased the Chopper throughout the entire woods, always somewhere between 'where did he go this time?' and 'I'm almost there but not quite.' Eventually Robin showed up to stop this silly chase around and the Chopper hid behind her the wrong way, back in his raccoon-dog form.

"Why are you chasing my beloved Chopper around, Zoro?"

"Well, you see, I have to do these tasks for that stupid love-king Sanji and one of them is to capture your Chopper…alive, of course, I'd never actually kill him…" the Chopper stared wide-eyed at him. "I'll return him when I'm done, I promise."

Robin took it all in for a while. Finally she sighed and said, "Sanji should know better than to play with the Gods like this, even if Nami is protecting him. Very well, you may borrow my Chopper for your task. However, I expect you to return him to me." She looked down at the Chopper and nodded. The Chopper took that as his cue and ran over to Zoro. Zoro picked him up and placed him on his head.

"Thank you very much. I'll return him in one piece, I promise." Robin just nodded.

* * *

"Aw, he's so cute. Robin has such great taste!" The Chopper was currently hiding himself the wrong way behind Zoro's leg while Sanji surveyed him. "I wonder how he would taste in a stew..."

The Chopper's eyes widened. "You can't cook him, Robin'll kill you!" Zoro said.

"I kid, I kid. Although I _would_ like to keep him…he's so adorable."

"If you want him, come over here and get him." Zoro stepped aside to fully reveal the Chopper as Sanji stepped forward to claim his prize. The Chopper freaked and bolted out of the palace and back to the woods; too fast for any normal mortal to chase after.

"Jerk, you knew that would happen." Zoro just smirked.

"So, my next task is…"

Sanji sighed. "Well, I'm feeling a tad hungry. Go capture the mighty Robson for me. Zoro just stared at him, forcing another sigh from Sanji. "It lives on Mt. Erymanthian, the Erymanthian Robson. Go find it and bring it back for me."

"Oh…I knew that." He set off to capture the Robson.

"And try not to get lost on your way there!" Sanji shouted after him.

***

Zoro, however, didn't get lost, for once. On this particular mountain lived a centaur named Killer who happened to be drinking buddies with our hero, so Zoro was able to find his abode easily. Killer was happy to see Zoro, but this wasn't saying all that much considering the fact that there is little to no difference between a happy Killer and an upset Killer. Either way, he still brought out the good wine for Zoro to try. The act of opening the wine brought all of the other centaurs in the region to the small cave where Killer lived, which made neither of them very happy, but what can you do with a bunch of drunken centaurs anyway? Apparently start a massive brawl.

Zoro and Killer were both fighters, so having a bunch of unwanted guests leading to a brawl was pretty natural for them. Unfortunately (or maybe not), Zoro decided to use his arrows instead of his swords. The arrows that still had poison Yuda blood on them. About twelve seconds into the brawl, all the centaurs except Killer were dead.

"Wow. How did you manage that?" Zoro showed him the arrow.

"Careful though, it's poisoned…" Killer then proceeded to drop the arrow on his foot. Zoro smacked his forehead.

"…So, poisoned huh?"

"Yeah. You gonna be okay?"

"No, probably not. But you should probably find your boar right?"

"I guess…but, what about you?"

Killer shrugged. "If I die, I die." Zoro understood and continued on his way.

* * *

As for the Robson, well, it wasn't too hard to find, considering all it did was make loud noises and stomp around all over the place. Zoro approached the Robson, who responded by staring at him as if sizing him up. Deciding he didn't like what he was seeing, the Robson made a run for it.

"Why does everything always run?" Zoro wondered aloud. "WOULD YOU GET BACK HERE!?!" he shouted and proceeded to chase the Robson all over the mountain side. Eventually the Robson was too tired to run any farther and hid itself in a thicket.

"Now where did that stupid thing go?" Zoro noticed some movement in the thicket and jabbed it with his sword without really thinking. This caused the Robson to fall into a snow drift and get stuck there. "Yeah, I planned that." Zoro netted his prize and dragged it back to Greece.

* * *

"Oh! You brought it! And look at how much meat is on it!" Sanji circled the Robson excitedly.

"Aren't you scared of it?" Zoro asked. "It's a pretty ferocious creature. Don't you wanna, I dunno, jump into that pot over there and hide from it?"

"I wonder, should I make it a main dish or put it in a soup? There's enough meat on it for me to do both!"

"Pretty scary you know…"

"But, it's still alive." Sanji brought his foot up and slammed his heel down on the Robson's skull, killing it instantly. He then snapped his fingers and three servants appeared. "Take this to the kitchen." They saluted and did what he said. "I'm sorry, did you say something?"

"Nothing."

"I guess I should give you your next task now." Sanji crossed his arms and grabbed his chin. "Let's see…oh!" He pounded his fist into his hand, "I got it! Foxy was over here the other day complaining about how his stable is never clean. He's so annoying. Go clean his stable."

"That's my next task!? Get a stable boy to do it!"

"Tsk tsk Zoro. That's no way to go about regaining your precious honor now is it?" Zoro seethed with anger. "Though I suppose it _is_ a tad easy for someone like you isn't it? To make it harder…oh! You have to clean out Foxy's stable in one day."

"That's it? Clean out the annoying man's stable in one day? That's the best you can think of?"

"Hey, I've got things to do. Kingly things. I can't be spending my time coming up with shit for you to do. Now if you excuse me, I've got a Robson to cook." He sauntered off.

"Not yet, Zoro." Zoro tried to calm himself. "You can't kill him yet…"

* * *

The cleaning task was a lot harder than Zoro originally thought, considering that Foxy had about a million of each breed of cattle ever known to man ever. He also had several new breeds of cattle that he had just invented himself, and had a million of each of those too. Zoro sighed, "Well, if I'm going to have to do the work of a stable boy, I might as well get paid…"

"Fuehehehe, what's this? You think you can clean my stables out in one day?" Foxy asked.

"Yup. And if I can do it, in exchange I want one-tenth of your cattle."

"Fuehehehe. Alright, seeing as cleaning out the stables in itself is an impossible task, even thinking that you could do such a thing in a day is just…ridiculous."

"So, we agree then? If I can do it in a day, you give me one-tenth of your cattle?"

"Yes, of course. What do I have to lose anyway? You're not going to be able to do it in a day anyway!"

Foxy led Zoro out to the stables. All of the cattle were out grazing at the moment so they were empty. Well…kind of.

"What the hell?! Have these ever been cleaned?" There was a good three feet of all manner of cattle-waste just piled up on the floor of the stables, which went on for miles and miles and miles.

"No. My cattle are magically enhanced so they won't get sick if they stay in this filth, and there's so many of them that no one has even bothered to try beforehand. Fuehehehe, this'll be amusing though; I might just stick around and watch…outside of course. It smells like cow pies in here!"

He left and Zoro just stared out across the sea of cow dung. "I swear, one day I will kill that bastard," he muttered before exiting the stables too.

Zoro looked around the field. Foxy was standing a good mile to his left, watching him expectantly. He decided to ignore the annoying split-head and continued scanning the field. There wasn't really much there; all of the cattle were off on the other side of the field, so there was just a river, a lot of grass, and the stables.

Then Zoro had an idea.

He drew a sword and went over to the side of the stable that faced the river. After concentrating for a bit, he cut a good-sized hole in the side of the stable.

"What do you think you're doing to my stable?"

Zoro chose to ignore him. He drew another sword and started making his way to the river, cutting a trench along the way. When he got to the river, he cut up the side of the river so that the water flowed down the trench he made and into the stable. He waited for about ten minutes before blocking the water and walking over to the other side of the stable and cutting another hole, letting all of the water back out.

Foxy and Zoro stepped inside the stable to see the results. All of the poop was gone and the stable was sparkling like new. Foxy was stunned speechless.

"Well, looks like the stable's clean. And it only took me what? Fifteen minutes maybe?" Foxy was still too stunned to say anything. "I'll just go pick out my payment myself then."

* * *

"Doesn't count."

"What!? Come on! It's not my fault you picked a lame task."

"That's not why! You shouldn't receive payment for these things in the first place! You're trying to regain your honor, not make a quick buck."

"I gave the cattle back…"

"Plus, you didn't actually clean anything. The river did."

"Now that's not fair. You didn't count the Yuda thing because I _didn't_ use my head, now you're not counting this _because_ I used my head? Make up your damn mind!" Sanji stuck out his tongue. "Yeah, that's mature."

"You seem to be forgetting that you still have to do whatever I say…"

"Yeah what's my next task? Clean out some rich guy's giant bird cage?"

"Now that's not a bad idea…" Zoro stared at him in disbelief. Sanji smiled mischievously. "Your next task…do you know about the Fuza?" Zoro shook his head. "They're a flock of giant, man-eating birds."

"Do I have to clean they're cage? Or would you just not count that either?"

"No, you just have to kill them. Don't want to over-work your puny little mind now do we?"

"One of these days, Sanji. One of these days…"

* * *

Zoro wandered around most of Greece for longer than he was willing to admit, but he certainly wasn't lost; the town of Stymphalos just kept moving around on him. Stupid town.

The townsfolk were able to point him in the right direction of the lake where the Fuza were gathered, but on the way he ran into Vivi, the goddess of war and wisdom, among other things.

"Vivi? What are you doing here?"

"Oh, nothing. I just heard about your tasks and decided to come and lend a hand, that's all."

"They're just some stupid birds. I can take care of them myself."

"Really? Then are you _refusing_ the help of a Goddess?"

He sighed. "No. You can help me."

She smiled. "Here, take these." She offered him bronze castanets.

"…You know, I'm not really that much of a musician…"

"There not for music. They're krotala."

"And that is a…"

"Well, basically, a castanet…a magical castanet."

"And I'll need the magical castanet because…"

"Well, sheesh Zoro, I'm not going to sit here and do the task for you!" She pointed towards the wooded area nearby. "The Fuza flock at a lake in the middle of the woods over there. Good Luck."

"Thanks." He set out in the opposite direction.

"Um, Zoro." He turned around. "_That_ way."

* * *

Zoro found the lake without too much trouble. The Fuza weren't exactly the quietest man-eating birds in the world, after all. What Zoro was having problems with _now_ though was driving them away so he could shoot them down. Every time he tried killing them with his sword, they would dodge it at the last possible moment, and every time he tried to shoot them, they would swerve away at the last possible moment.

"Stupid birds…" he replaced the slingshot he borrowed from Usopp in his pocket and felt the krotala that Vivi gave him. "I wonder…" he took them out and started banging them loudly.

They had the desired effect; all of the Fuza took off in the same direction to run away from the horrid, horrid noise that Zoro was making. Without them dodging everything, Zoro was able to shoot them down without any difficulties.

"Some man-eating birds. Afraid of some stupid noise…" He would have to thank Vivi for the magical castanets later though.

* * *

"Oh? Your still here?" Sanji asked when Zoro showed up again.

"I killed your damn birds. What's next?"

"And you didn't bring any back? What a waste of good meat."

"Yeah, yeah. I'm a horrible person. What's next?"

"I just got a message from King Absalom of Crete. Apparently he's got a bull problem."

"Again?"

"Not really, it's still the same bull." Sanji sighed. "I _really_ want to cook it though. I can just imagine what a gift from the Sea God would taste like…"

"Can't you do your own damn food shopping?"

"Why when you can just do it for me? Your next task is to bring back the Cretan Bull. You know where Crete is, right?"

"I know where Crete is!"

* * *

Zoro had no clue where Crete was. Careful guessing and what could only be described as pure luck though aided him enough so that he arrived in Crete eventually.

"ABSALOM!! MARRY ME!!" Zoro jumped out of the way as a man ran by being chased by what could only be described as a pig-thing in a wedding dress. Zoro ran to catch up with the man.

"Excuse me," He said, running alongside him, "I'm looking for King Absalom…"

"Oh," the man replied, "are you King Sanji's errand boy?" Zoro faltered and almost tripped.

"That's one way of putting it…"

"There!" He pointed behind them. "That's the Cretan Bull. Kill it, or take it away, or whatever! Just make it gone!"

"That thing?" He looked behind them. The 'Cretan Bull' shouted "Marry me Absalom!" at them. "Looks more like a pig. And isn't this situation…a bit reversed?"

"What are you talking about? Bull, pig, doesn't matter! Just make it go away!"

"Fine." Zoro stopped and turned around to face it. The woman-bull-pig thing came charging at him.

"Get out of the way!" She shouted. Zoro planted his feet firmly on the ground and grabbed her tusks the moment before she was about to impale him. After a few moments of struggle he managed to toss her to the ground and incapacitate her, tied her up, and drag her back to Greece.

* * *

"I can't cook this…" Sanji complained.

"Why not?"

"She's clearly a lady." Zoro blinked at him.

"Wow. For being able to see that, you just went up a few points in my eyes. Not that it means much; you had negative infinity points to begin with."

"We'll just let her run around Greece for a bit then." Once that was settled they went back to the matter at hand.

"So, my next task is…"

"I'm thinking. If I can't have bull tonight, then what do I want?"

"Do your own damn shopping already!"

"Oh, I know!" Sanji snapped his fingers. "Odz has a herd of man-eating horses. Go get me those."

Zoro sighed and went on his way.

* * *

Zoro peered down at the field where the giant Odz was napping and his horses were tied up.

"Man-eating this, man-eating that…can't he cook something that _doesn't_ want to eat him?" He sighed. "Oh well, if it weren't risky it wouldn't be nearly as fun." He crept up to where the horse where tied and quietly untied them without waking Odz. Carefully he herded them towards the sea and managed to get them to an isolated peninsula when…

"Hey! What happened to my horses?" Odz woke up. "Ah! Little man, have you seen my horses? They were around here somewhere…Hey, those are some nice horses you've got there. Kind of remind me of my own…"

"Yeah, imagine that." Zoro had two of his swords drawn and had cut off the land that connected the small peninsula to the main land.

"Wait a minute…you stole my horses! Jerk, trying to trick me like that." Odz charged forward only to fall into the ocean that separated the new island from where he was standing. "Oh yeah…" Odz said as he sunk into the sea, "I can't swim."

Zoro stood there and watched him go down. He then turned to the horses. "So, who's hungry?"

* * *

"All my hard work and you just let them roam throughout Greece?"

"They were all muscle! What was I supposed to make out of them!" Zoro crossed his arms and looked away. "And would you stop pouting!"

"I'm not pouting."

"Clearly. Look, your next task should be fun. You know the Amazon Queen Hancock?" Zoro shook his head. "Why am I not surprised. The Amazons are a tribe of female warriors. Their queen, Hancock, is in possession of a belt. Bring it back to me."

"Why? Trying out some new accessories?"

"Tch. You wouldn't understand. Just the thought of having something that once belonged to someone as beautiful as Boa Hancock…"

"Oh, I get it. You're just a pervert."

"Just shut up and get me my freaking belt jackass!"

* * *

Zoro managed to catch a ride on a ship that was heading in the general direction of where the Amazon's lived. As soon as he stepped on their land, however, he was captured and taken straight to Hancock.

"Tell me, why does a mere man think he has the right to trespass on my realm?"

Zoro sighed. "Look, I needed to perform ten tasks for this perverted king and one of them was to come here and get your belt. So are you going to hand it over willingly or do I have to fight you for it?"

Hancock laughed. "You think you can stand a chance against me? After all I am," she tilted her head back dramatically, "beautiful!"

"Yeah, and that's great and all, but I really need your belt."

"Insolent male! Do you no know who I am?! However," she turned her head to the side and blushed a little. "You are…Luffy's son, right?"

"Um, yeah. So what?" Her blush deepened.

"Well…I guess…it is only my belt after all…" She had him untied and gave him her belt.

"That was easy…"

"To easy." Nami muttered from her hiding place. "He's been having far too easy a time of all this. Time to make some drama…" She found the nearest Amazon and told her, "Hey, you know that man that was caught earlier?" The blonde Amazon nodded slowly. "Well, he's about to kill your Queen." The warrior gasped and told her friends before storming into the palace.

"Hebihime! We're here to save you!" The Amazon warriors circled Zoro who had drawn his swords instinctively upon the unexpected intrusion.

"I do not require those services. Do not think that I cannot handle myself against a mere man. Plus…" She bit her lip and glanced at them. "Those weapons are startling me…"

The Amazons dropped their weapons and with hearts in their eyes turned to their leader. "Hebihime! We're sorry, but that's so cute!"

Zoro shook his head and took this chance to escape.

* * *

"Yes! You brought it back! This will be perfect…as a present for my daughters." Sanji snapped his fingers and a servant appeared. "Take this to my private chambers." The servant left.

"'Present for your daughter' my ass. You don't even _have_ a daughter!"

"That you know of." Zoro shuddered. "So, for your next task…I'm running low on beef. Go get Hannyabal's cattle and bring them back here."

"…"

Sanji sighed. "Hannyabal is a freaky monster who lives on the island of Erythia, which is between Spain and Morocco."

"Somewhere between Spain and Morocco. Got it."

* * *

Zoro was in Egypt. He didn't know how he ended up in Egypt when he was trying to get to Morocco, but there he was, stuck in the middle of the Sahara desert.

"This wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for that sun. Stupid sun…" Zoro brought out an arrow and shot it. "That's what you get for pissing me off!"

"Whoa, hey! Easy there buddy!" Franky, the sun, appeared clutching the arrow.

"Sorry Franky, I'm just a bit pissed. I can't seem to find Morocco…"

"Of course not dude, you're in freaking Egypt. Why are you going to Morocco?" Zoro explained everything to him. "Well, at this rate, with your sense of direction, you're never going to find Erythia."

"Thanks." He turned to leave.

"Hold it! You wanna lift?"

"S'cuse me?"

"That was pretty neat shot you took…no normal person could really hit me like that you know. Anyway, I'm impressed, so I'll give you a lift to Erythia on the Thousand Sunny."

"Well, that works. Can you give me a lift back to Greece too?"

"Sorry. I only go from east to west. That's the best deal I can offer."

Zoro accepted it anyway and arrived at his destination in record time. Franky had dropped him off right by Hannyabal's cattle's grazing area, where he was promptly attacked by the herd's guardian, the Minozebra and the herdsman, Saldeath. Zoro promptly killed them both before taking the cattle away. Hannyabal, however, caught him doing this, so he had to die too.

"Well, that wasn't so hard." Zoro said, sheathing his swords. "Now all I have to do is find my way back to Greece…"

* * *

Zoro was somewhere in France when he decided that it would be a good time for a nap. He tied up the herd and settled down not too far away and fell promptly asleep. Helmeppo, a no-good trickster, was in the neighborhood, however, and thought that it would be a good idea to steal some of the cattle. At the same time he was doing this, one of the cows decided to run away. That cow ended up in Italy while Helmeppo took his cows to Portugal. When Zoro woke up, he noticed nothing and continued on what he thought was the way, and ended up in…

Portugal. "This…doesn't look like Greece…" the herd looked at him in disbelief. "Oh, stuff it. I don't see you guys doing any better." He let them rest outside what just happened to be Helmeppo's lair, where the previously stolen cows recognized the calls of their brethren and eagerly rejoined them.

"Oh. Where did you all run off to?" Zoro asked as the cows assimilated themselves back into the herd. After their break, Zoro moved the herd along and ended up in…

Germany. "This…definitely doesn't look like Greece." He brought the cattle to another field to let them rest.

Nami was pissed that he had managed to escape the Amazon's unscratched. "He needs more of a challenge…" so she decided to send a gadfly to annoy the herd.

Zoro saw the bug flying around, but didn't think much of it. After all, what harm could one little bug do…

The herd, however, went crazy. They freaked out and ran as far away as they could in every direction. "Well that's just great." Luckily Zoro was able to catch all of the cows that were heading north and east but completely lost sight of the ones heading south and west, and now had to trek across Europe to find the damn cows.

Eventually he found them all, and even ended up in Italy, where the previously escaped cow had joined back up with the others. "Alright then, let's get back to Greece before curly-brow throws a fit, or something else happens…"

* * *

"How does it take you eight years to find some cattle!?"

"It did _not_ take me five years to find the cattle. It took my five years to bring them all back here. Europe's a big place…"

"Ug, never mind. It's a miracle that you were able to make it back at all really."

"Well, that's it then right? Ten tasks done, so now my honor's back."

"As if! You're only at eight there."

"What?! No, I've done ten. First was the Richie, the Yuda makes two,"

"Which doesn't count, so back to one."

"Then two was the Chopper, three was the Robson, four was the stables,"

"Which also doesn't count, so you're only at three."

"Then four was the Fuza, five was the pig-bull-thing, six was the horses, seven was the belt…"

"And eight was the cattle. You've got two more left there. Unless, of course, you're admitting defeat…"

Zoro growled. "I hate you. You're just trying to milk this aren't you?"

"Not my fault you can't do your job right." Sanji gazed at him thoughtfully. "You know what would go great with steak? Mikans."

"Great. Go buy your own damn mikans."

"Not just any apples though…I want the mikans that Nami gave Luffy as their wedding present."

"Not only are you a pervert, but now you have a food fetish too."

"Get me my mikans damnit!"

"How am I supposed to get them when they're locked up in Nami's secret grove that no one is allowed in without Nami's permission and Nami hates me?"

"Well, that's what makes it fun isn't it?" Zoro very much wanted to punch that smirk right off his face.

* * *

Zoro had no idea where the mikan grove was. Maybe this was a good thing though, considering whenever he tried to get to where he wanted to go, he'd end up on the other side of the world. After wandering around for a bit he ran into the majority of the Sea God's sons who all felt the need to challenge him to a random fight. Never one to back down from a challenge, Zoro accepted and subsequently killed them all.

Eventually Zoro found himself on Mt. Caucasus. Looking around, he decided that this was also _not_ where the mikan grove was and started to make his way back down, when he saw a man chained to a rock. Deciding this might be something worthwhile, Zoro went to investigate.

"I'm going to have to ask: what are you doing here and why are you chained to a rock?"

The man turned to look at him, and Zoro found out that what he originally disregarded as a chestnut was actually the man's hair. The man sighed. "I may as well tell you; it's not like I have anything better to do.

"My name is Norland, and a very long time ago I stole the God's fire to give to the mortals. As punishment for such a misdeed, I was chained to this rock where everyday Miss Friday comes to eat my liver. Since I'm immortal it grows back, but she just comes back the next day and eats it again. And again. And again."

Zoro looked down at him. "Well that sucks." He then scanned the sky. "Miss Friday…is she a giant vulture thing?"

"Yes. Is she coming back now? You better get out of here…" Ignoring him, Zoro instead took out his sword and sliced off her head. He then proceeded to cut through Norland's chains, thus freeing him from the rock.

Norland was stunned. "Thank you…but, why?"

Zoro shrugged. "Just because."

"Well, if there's anything you need from me…"

Zoro thought about it for a moment. "Well, I am looking for Nami's secret mikan grove. If you know where it is, that'll be helpful."

Norland nodded. "Yes, I know where it is, but you won't be able to get in."

"We'll see about that…"

"No, like, you physically cannot get inside of it. It's impossible for a mortal like you to even attempt such a thing."

"Well, I need to get a mikan, so I'll just try and see how it goes."

"That's stupid; you're just going to end up dead."

"I didn't ask for your opinion. Besides, how else am I supposed to get the stupid mikan?"

"If you're serious, I know a guy who's allowed into Nami's grove. If you talk to him, he might go and get the mikan for you, but you'll have to do something for him first."

"How bad could it be?"

* * *

So now Zoro was stuck holding up the sky as a favor to Jesus Burgess. For some reason he was quite tired of spending his entire life holding up the sky, so he agreed to get a mikan for Zoro if he held up the sky for him for a little while. Zoro didn't blame him in the slightest though; it really sucked having the weight of the world on your shoulders.

"Here you go! One mikan delivered straight from Nami's grove…but you know, it's kind of nice not having to hold everything up for once…why don't you stay there while I go and give this to Sanji?"

"When will you be back?"

"Probably never, now that I think about it."

Screw whatever empathy Zoro was starting to feel for the guy, there was no way he was going to hold the world up forever for this guy; it was bad enough being Sanji's little errand boy, he wasn't going to be his bitch.

"Yeah, okay, that works too…" he chose his words carefully, "but can you hold this for a second? I just want to add some extra padding or something."

"Of course!" Burgess put the mikan down and picked up the world. Zoro went over to the mikan and picked that up.

"On second thought, why don't you just do your own damn job and let me do mine!" Burgess stared at him in disbelief as Zoro sauntered off.

* * *

When Zoro eventually found his way back to Greece, Vivi was there and Sanji was looking rather depressed. Since Vivi had helped him out before and anything that made Sanji upset was a good thing in his books, Zoro was in a pretty good mood.

"So, what's going on here?" he asked.

Sanji sighed, Vivi smiled. "Hello Zoro. It's just…well, there's a problem with the mikan…"

"Wh-what do you mean problem?"

"It's the lovely Nami's mikan," Sanji replied, "so a mere mortal like me can't hold on to it. You're going to have to put it back…"

"What!? After all the trouble I went through to get it, I have to go put it back again?! Are you even going to count it?"

"Relax, Zoro." Vivi said in a surprisingly calming voice. "I'll go put it back. And Sanji will still count it. Right Sanji?" She turned her smile on him.

"Of course my dear, sweet Vivi!" He said, all hearts and sparkles. Zoro twitched and handed the mikan to Vivi who tucked it away.

"So, my last task…"

"Yes, yes. Your last task." Sanji turned a truly evil grin on Zoro, but Zoro wasn't worried. He wouldn't give him anything that bad in front of Vivi…right? Besides, Zoro's already done just about everything except going to hell and back again.

"Your next task is to go to hell and back again." Damn him.

"Wait, what?"

"I want you to go to hell and bring back the Minokoala. Since its Magellan's pet I want be able to cook it, but I still want to see it, so go get it for me."

"If you want to see it so bad, you can just go to hell."

"Careful what you say. Besides, this is your final task! It's supposed to be the hardest one yet! What did you think I was going to have you do? Go outside and pick some flowers?"

"You did have me clean that stable…"

"That was then, this is now. Or are you saying you're not up for a small jaunt through hell?"

"I never said that!"

"Vivi has offered to show you the way so you don't get lost, because she's so kind and thoughtful even to an idiot such as yourself."

Zoro sighed. "I don't really have a choice do I? Alright Vivi, let's go to hell!"

"Be nicer to Vivi asshole!"

* * *

Vivi was able to show him the back door to the Underworld, but instead of random magical instruments, this time she just gave him advice:

"Don't drink the water. While you're at it, don't drink anything, and don't eat anything either." And then she was gone.

So, Zoro set off through the Underworld alone. Well, not exactly alone; ghosts where everywhere.

"Yohoho! It seems we've got ourselves a live one!"

"Yeah, that's great. I'm looking for the throne room. I've gotta talk to Magellan about stealing his pet."

"Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but you're on the complete opposite side of hell…"

"Yeah I figured it was something like that." Zoro sighed. "Which way was it again?" The ghost pointed a skeletal finger. "Thanks."

"On second thought," the ghost said, "maybe I'll just show you the way myself."

Zoro shrugged. It didn't really matter to him after all.

The ghost, whose name was Brooke, led him through the many pathways of the Underworld until they came upon the gate of hell. There they found two men tied up to the rocks.

"And who did you guys piss off?"

They said that their names were Johnny and Yosaku and that they were punished for trying to marry two of Luffy's daughters. Zoro sighed before drawing his sword and releasing the one called Johnny.

"Just, don't try to steal any more wives." He pointed his sword at Yosaku's chains and attempted to try the same thing, but instead of having the chains snap like they were supposed to, instead the entire world shook with fury.

"…what the hell was that all about?" Yosaku blushed and turned away.

"He tried to marry Domino, who everyone and their grandmother knows is married to Magellan." Brooke answered. "You can't just try and steal a God's wife."

"True." Johnny nodded sagely.

"Thanks for the support! Some friend you turned out to be! Last time I ever act on any of your drunken impulses again!" Zoro decided that this really wasn't his problem and made his way through the gate and into the throne room, where Magellan sat all high and mighty, flanked by the mighty Minokoala.

"Mortal! What brings you to my realm while you still draw breath?" Magellan asked.

Zoro went into his spiel. "Well, I guess you could take Minokoala, if it's only temporary," Magellan answered when Zoro was done with his tale, "but, that would be too easy now wouldn't it? You must defeat Minokoala…without using any weapons."

"That's the best you can think of? You're not much better at this than Sanji…sir."

"Don't underestimate my Minokoala there, mortal." Magellan snapped his fingers and everything cleared away, giving them enough room to fight to the death if need be. The Minokoala growled and stepped forward menacingly. Zoro sighed and put his swords off to the side.

The Minokoala narrowed its beady eyes and glared at him. Zoro returned him glare for glare. The glare down went on for a good ten minutes before Zoro released something that may or may not have been Haki (it's too vague to tell) and the Minokoala collapsed. Magellan was stunned.

"So, I can take it and go now right?"

"Um, yeah. It can find its own way back…" Zoro nodded and dragged it all the way back to Greece.

* * *

"Wow. Would you look at that…it really is an interesting piece of meat…it's a shame I can't cook it."

"Isn't it terrifyingly frightening? Don't you want me to put it back so much that you'll set me free?"

"I have to let you go anyway, does it really matter? Besides it can find its own way home."

"You know, you're really out of character right now…" Sanji shrugged.

"I am who I am. So, you've completed your ten tasks (that were really twelve) so, yeah. You're absolved of killing off your family, and you're free to go."

"That's it? Just like that, I'm done?"

"Yeah. I'll see you at the reunion. Now, get the hell out of my palace you shithead." Zoro was more than happy to oblige.


	5. The Story of Narcissus

**Yeah, I'm still doing this. Just got caught up with life for a bit. Sorry. *offers apology cookies as a sacrifice.* Today's myth is the Greek Myth Narcissus, as requested by the animaniac dude.  
**

**Now I was going to do this with Sanji, but then he would have to reject all of the girls and that's too OOC to pull off, so Enel will do the honors instead.**

**While 'researching' this, I actually found three different versions. This one which I think is the one that everyone thinks of when they think of this myth, a pretty violent one that I could pull off with Zoro and Sanji if you guys want, and an incest version that attempts to make the myth make sense, which I'll do only if you beg and make me some Sanji fan-art.**

**Anyway, enjoy.**

**Pairings: Zoro/Tashigi, Enel/Porche (kinda)**

**Reviews:**

**dandy wonderous: **Thank you! It was fun writing Sanji as an a-hole. More fun than it should be. :P

**Lectori Salutem: **I'm glad you enjoyed it! I rather enjoy my brand of humor too. Thank you!

**lilsketch908: **Thank you very much! I try, I try. ;p I hope I don't disappoint.

* * *

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful nymph named Tashigi. She caught the eye of a powerful River God named Zoro, who ended up seducing her. Nine months later she had a healthy and beautiful baby boy named Enel, who this story is actually about.

Concerned with her child's wellbeing, Tashigi thought it best to consult a prophet about her son's future.

"Why bother?" Zoro asked. "What's going to happen will happen, so the only thing a prophet is going to do is spoil the surprise."

"Aren't you concerned at all? He's your only son, you know."

"If he's really my son then he doesn't need to know the future! He'd take it as it comes at him like a man!"

"Are you implying that your daughter _wouldn't_ be able to deal with what life throws at her?" Tashigi asked suspiciously. Zoro knew he had walked into a trap.

"No…if she's my daughter then she would be able to deal with life just as well as my son."

"But what about everyone _else's_ daughter, hm? Or can only man take on the world?"

"No…I'm sure other girls would be able to take what comes at them like a man." Tashigi glared at him. "I mean…let's go she the prophet."

"I figured you'd see it my way."

So they went to see the famous prophet, Ivankov, who, aside from dressing funny, was also known to have spent seven years as a woman. Both parents agreed that it would be better to speak with Ivankov about the matter of their son's future.

"Hmm…" Ivankov looked over the baby with a thoughtful glance. "…It seems…" he drew the moment out for dramatic purposes. Zoro was not pleased.

"Just get on with it or I'll slice your freaking head off!" Tashigi sighed and rolled her eyes.

"It seems to me…" he stated again. "That your son here will probably live to a ripe old age…"

"Thank goodness." Tashigi sighed.

"IF, only if, he never comes to know himself." With that, the prophet settled back to watch the parent's reactions.

"What kind of crap answer is that!?" Zoro shouted.

"What does it even mean!?" Tashigi also shouted. Ivankov sipped some tea.

"It means what it means. Take it as what it is. You can go now." He gestured towards the door. Tashigi sighed and dragged a steaming Zoro away from the prophet.

"Well, I'm soo glad we went to see the prophet. He was _truly_ enlightening on many things." Zoro rolled his eyes.

"…" Tashigi had no response for that.

***

Sixteen years passed and Enel had grown into a very beautiful young man. Young girls from all over fell in love with him left and right. This gave the young lad such an ego, however, that he drove each and every one of them away, claiming that they were not fit to bask in the glory of someone who could be compared to the gods.

Needless to say, he was kind of a jerk. And yet, all of the girls still kept flocking back to him, almost like he _was_ some kind of god. In order to get away from them all, young Enel decided to go on a hunting trip in the forest. Unfortunately for him, this forest happened to be home of a rather annoying nymph named Porche.

Porche was a rather playful little nymph, and like all of the others, fell in love with Enel when she first saw him. Smitten with her love, she decided to stalk him through the woods. Enel, trained to pick up on when his fangirls were stalking him, turned around and shouted, "Who's there?"

Porche, being the playfully annoying being that she was, responded with, "Who's there?"

Enel decided that if this new stalker was just going to hide and repeat everything he said, he wouldn't really need to bother with her. So he ignored her and went along his merry way. A few moments later though, and he became annoyed again and shouted at her, "Seriously, stop following me."

"Stop following me!" Porche fought back a giggle. Enel just sighed, rolled his eyes, and went on his way.

The pattern went on like this for several hours until Porche gathered enough courage to come out of hiding and rushed forward to embrace him.

"Nya, I've been waiting for you cutie." Enel however, sidestepped her hug, causing the young nymph to trip, and pinned her down to the ground with the staff he was carrying.

"Listen, I have no idea who you are or why someone as lowly as yourself thinks that it's alright to come into the presence of someone as godly as me, but I am not interested. At all. I'd have to be blind, stupid, and ugly to even consider being seen with someone such as yourself." He withdrew his staff and allowed Porche to stand up. "Why are you still here? Get lost!" Porche turned and ran; her eyes full of tears. Enel continued on his way, not thinking twice about the incident.

Porche ended up withdrawing from the world; crying herself away until only her annoying voice remained.

Robin, the goddess of vengeance, happened to witness this event go down, however. She also knew that this was how Enel normally treated all of his suitors and was not very pleased. Ultimately she decided that something must be done about this.

"~Robin-chwan is so cute when she's devising vengeful plots!~"

"Thank you, Sanji-san. Now you just wait her until I give the signal."

"~Of course Robin-chan! Leave everything to me!~"

While walking through the forest, Enel spotted a beautiful dark-haired beauty among the trees. Deciding it would be better to get this over with, he approached her, only to have her bolt in the opposite direction. Insulted by the fact that she might not want anything to do with him, he gave chase. They ran by a lake and Enel took a small breather and leaned down to drink some water.

"Sanji-san! Do it now!" Robin shouted. "Please." She added as an afterthought.

"~Yes Robin-chwan!~and might I add that you're form when exhausted from running is-"

"Hit him first, complement me later, okay?"

"~Of course!~" Sanji pull one of his arrows back and let it fly, hitting its intended mark who was currently staring at his own reflection.

"Huh…" Enel mused. "Who is that gorgeous face in the water? It's so…perfect. Almost as perfect as me. Hello beautiful." He sat down and continued staring at his face.

"Mission accomplished. Good work Sanji-san." Robin said.

"Robin-chwan complemented me! I can die happy!"

Enel couldn't bear to leave his reflection to go find food or to break the water's surface to drink water. As such, he ended up dying from extreme dehydration a few days later. In his place it is said that a flower grew instead. Some sort of symbolism or something. As for Enel…

"Hello beautiful, it seems we meet again." Enel leaned over the edge of the small boat to spot his reflection in the murky river of the Underworld.

"Hey!" Saldeath poked him in the back of the head with his pitchfork. "Keep all body parts inside the boat at all times! This is the freaking River Styx you know!" Enel ignored him and kept staring.


	6. The Death of Baldur

**Yes folks, this is what I believe they call an 'update.' I'm sorry, I've been all busy and lazy, but I haven't forgotten! And as such, we now take our little journey to the realm of Norse Mythology with my favorite Norse Myth, The Death of Baldur. Also, because you're all such good and patient folks, I've included a random little add-on to this that goes through the casting process (sorta) for this myth. **

**Oh, and I should mention some spoilers for Chapter 550. Just...she seems awesome and I wanted to use her is all...but if you don't want to be spoiled though, that's your choice.**

**Anyway, enjoy.**

**Reviews:**

**Blu-Calling: **Yeah, I'm awesome. He does...it's too bad they didn't have any mirrors on Skypiea, otherwise they wouldn't have had to wait for Luffy to show up. ;P I'm glad you liked it. It's a prophets job to be confusing and make no sense until what they prophosised actually happens so then people say, 'whoa, the prophet was right! it all makes sense now!' Aw, now you're just making me blush.

**Lectori Salutem: **Yes, I've heard that version too. Porche was playing Echo, but I went with the 'choosing to repeat' version rather than 'all she can do is repeat' because I think it worked better. Also, Aphordite usually uses Eros to exact revenge in this manner, so including him alongside Nemisis was my way of merging the two versions together. :) That's why I love myths! Since it's usually verbal retellings, the tend vary each time it's retold! Yeah, I scared myself with that one too...I'm glad you enjoyed it so much! And Thank you! Hm...*can totally see Usopp as Vulcanous and will probably end up doing that next because of it.* I usually use whichever names were used when I first heard the story. Usually this turns out to be Greek, but sometimes it's Roman, like Cupid and Psyche is Roman, but The Rape of Persephone is Greek.

**dandy wonderous: **It is isn't it? He's my favorite villian, so I'm glad it worked out. ;p Yeah, I hate her laugh...or is it her little 'nyaa' thing. Either way it's annoying. Who doesn't love a whipped Zoro? :P Tashigi needs to beat some manners into him.

**lilsketch908: **Thank you! Aw, what did he do to you? Was it the destroy-the-world-with-my-god-complex thing? And thank you very much! Did I already say that? _

* * *

Once upon a time there was a god named Ace, who was the most beloved out of them all. Everybody loved him, humans, other gods, hell even the plant life loved him. The one who loved him the most, however, was his mother, Rouge.

This was why when Rouge was very distressed when she woke up after a nightmare of him being carted off by Sadi-chan, the goddess who ruled the Underworld.

"Um, Mom…I know you're all distressed and everything…but I'm having trouble breathing." Ace managed to squeeze out.

"Oops. Sorry." She released him from the bear hug she had her son in moments before.

"But Ace!" Luffy, his brother, shouted, while facing the wrong direction, "She saw you dying! She's the Queen of the Gods! If she says you're gonna die, you're in big trouble!"

"Luffy, we're over here." Ace said as he turned his blind brother to face the right direction. "And a dream is still just a dream, whether it's Mom's dream of me dying or your dream about eating giant piece of meat."

"That was a piece of Giant meat. Big difference."

"Either way, it doesn't necessarily mean anything at all."

"But what if it does?" Rouge looked Ace with a worried expression. He sighed.

"It's not like-"

"We should consult Robin about this!" Luffy shouted. "She has all the answers."

"You don't need to bother-"

"Excellent idea Luffy! We'll all go see her in the morning!"

"Don't I get a say in this?" Ace asked. The others looked at him like he was crazy for a bit before simultaneously pulling him into a group hug.

"Of course not." They said together.

* * *

The next day, The King and Queen of the Gods and their sons went to see the prophet Robin, who was completely unsurprised to see them.

"I am completely unsurprised to see you," she said, "for I know why you are here."

"Eh? Really?" asked Roger. "Well, then can we cut to the chase here, cause my wife's pretty disturbed about these nightmares and it'd be nice if she had some proof of their falsehood."

"Oh, but they're true." Robin said calmly as she took a sip of her coffee.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT!?!?!??!?!" Shouted Roger, Rouge, and Luffy. Ace just sighed.

"Well, if it's going to happen, it's going to happen. Might as well just let nature take its course."

"Never!" Rouge shouted and hugged her son tightly.

"Yeah, I don't want you to die either!" Luffy remarked as he wrapped his arms around Roger.

"Ace is on your left, Luffy." Robin said with a smile of amusement. Luffy immediately corrected his positioning.

"Look, I know it's a bit depressing, but-"

"I should also take this time to mention," The prophet interrupted, "that the one who is going to kill Ace will be none other than Luffy."

Silence encompassed the area for five seconds before a collective "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!?" sounded from the family before her.

"But…I don't want Ace dead! I want him the opposite of dead!" Luffy said.

"You want him undead?" Roger asked confused. "I'd rather have him alive."

"Honey, the opposite of dead _is_ alive." Rouge corrected.

"Ya put 'un' in front of a word and that makes it opposite. Everyone knows that."

"So I really want Ace undead….maybe I am going to kill him…"

"Now look, you made Luffy confused!" Ace said. "Luffy, you don't want me dead, or undead for that matter, and you're not going to kill me."

"Oh, that's a relief, cause you're more fun when you're alive." Luffy grinned.

"But I wonder, Ace," Robin said as she observed the discussion, "how do you plan to control fate?"

He observed her carefully, scrutinizing her amused smile before he realized where she was going with this.

"Roger." He said, turning to face his father.

"Yeah?" Roger answered, breaking off his discussion with Rouge about proper syntax.

"Assemble the Pirate's Summit."

* * *

The Pirate's Summit was the name given to the group of higher tier gods. Every now and then they got together for a meeting of sorts on only the most important matters.

"So it's agreed," Roger stated formally. "We'll order one large pie with anchovies, jalapeños, and bacon."

"Who suggested anchovies?" Enel emphasized his frustration with a fist slam to the table. "_I_ certainly did not agree to such atrocities on my pizza."

"Well _I_ wanted them, Mr. I'm-the-Freaking-God-of-Thunder-Everybody-Look-at-Me." Shanks said, copying Enel's fist slam. "It'll be fine if you give it a chance."

"I don't _want_ to give them a chance; I want them off my pizza! And who was the imbecile that thinks that _bacon_ is a good thing to put on the pizza anyway!"

"It needs more meat anyway!" Luffy shouted.

"I should not have even bothered to ask, of course it was you! You couldn't at least pick a meat that _goes on_ a pizza could you?"

"Hey, shitty-thunderhead." Sanji flicked up his winged cap to looking in the thunder god's eyes. "The spiciness of the jalapeños will completely cancel out the bitterness of the anchovies. The bacon will add flavor where the jalapeños take it away. The anchovies will absorb the excess fats and greases left by the bacon, making the whole thing healthier. Of course, I wouldn't expect the man who requested apple sauce as a side dish to understand any of this."

Enel resorted to glaring at the messenger while Roger stated formally, "So it's agreed, we'll order on large pie with anchovies, jalapeños, and bacon."

"Might want to make it seventy six pies though." Rouge added as an afterthought. "Between, well, everyone here, I'd like to at least get one slice." Murmurs of agreement followed.

"Then it's settled. Sanji, get our pizza!" The god in question grabbed the sheet of paper with the order on it and flew off to place it.

"Back to the matter at hand," Rouge stated, "which, as most of you already know, is how to stop Luffy from killing Ace."

"We could always just kill him ourselves." Enel offered. "At least it saves him from the guilt."

"But not from the whole being dead thing." Shanks added. "Considering that's what we're going for and all…"

"We could kill Luffy…"

"No!" Rouge grabbed her blind son into a bone-crushing hug. "Think of a plan that _doesn't_ involve my sons dying."

"It's still the simplest solution to-"

"Think of it!" She glared at the thunder god who all but fled the room at her intensity. Shanks shivered a little before Roger spoke up.

"Why don't we just make it so Luffy can't kill Ace?"

Ace hit his head against the table. "That's why we're all here!"

"No, I like it." Luffy said after he escaped his mother's grasp. "It works."

"How does what work? He just rephrased the reason we're here." Enel sighed and massaged the bridge of his nose. "I swear, you two…"

"Or instead," Shanks offered, "make it so Ace can't die."

Ace banged his head against the table. Enel turned his head to glare in Shanks's direction. Rouge just chuckled.

"This entire group makes no sense." Enel muttered.

"Tell me about it." Ace agreed.

"I guess that could work, in a way." Luffy mused, stroking his imaginary beard.

"Yes Lu, making me unable to die would defiantly help in making sure I don't die." Ace turned to face his brother. "But you can't just go around making sure people don't kill me."

"Not true." Sanji reappeared then, holding seventy six pizza boxes in his hand. Luffy, Ace, Roger, and Shanks immediately lunged to have at them, but were kept at bay by a glare from the messenger and a few kicks to the head for each. "Ladies first!" he exclaimed and fluttered over to Rouge. "Take your pick, Rouge-chan." He got done on one knee and offered the boxes to the Queen.

"Thank you Sanji!" She grabbed ten boxes for herself. Sanji stood up and placed the rest at the center of the table. "_Now_ the rest of you can eat." A black, red, and white blur descended upon the pizzas, leaving nothing but destruction in its wake. Somehow Sanji and Enel managed to get a whole pie each free from its deadly grasp.

"So, Sanji," Ace said after he was finished with his meal. "What were you going on about before?"

"I was just saying that there might be a way to make people not kill you. You're very beloved to begin with anyway."

"Mm! That's right!" Shanks suddenly shouted, spraying food everywhere. "Rouge, can't you make every creature in heaven and on earth swear an oath that they won't hurt Ace here?"

She thought about it seriously for a moment. "You know, that just might work. Yes, I think I can pull it off."

* * *

From that day onward, every weapon directed at Ace would miss its mark. Swords would slip harmlessly away, arrows made from practically everything would veer off course, punches would be directed back to their owners. It quickly became a favorite game among the deities to throw all manner of weapons at him and watch them never hit their mark.

Luffy, being blind, was not able to join in their god-like games.

"This sucks, I wanna play too." Luffy muttered.

"I can help you there…" Luffy turned to see no one.

"Sneaking up on me eh? Coward, show yourself now!"

"I'm flashily standing right in front of you! It's me, Buggy!"

"Buggy?! What do you want?"

"I saw you sitting here all by yourself whilst everyone else is off playing fun games and I wanted to help you flashily." He produced an arrow and placed it in Luffy's hand.

"Wait a minute…you are one of the very few gods who actually doesn't like Ace. How do I know you aren't up to something?"

"What, do you think that I flashily disguised myself as an old women in order to trick your mother into telling me that the only thing she hadn't included in the oath was a small piece of mistletoe and then fashioned an arrow out of said mistletoe and gave it to you so you could kill your brother with it and complete my flashy plan?"

"Yeah, that does sound kinda crazy. I guess it's alright." Luffy took up his bow and arrow and (lead by Buggy) aimed it towards Ace. He pulled back the bowstring and fired, the arrow piercing Ace's heart and instantly killing him.

After that, all hell broke loose.

* * *

Fortunately since Ace's death was prophesied Luffy was able to get off scot free, but that still didn't stop everyone from mourning the loss of the beloved god. No one mourned more than Rouge.

"He was still so young…it's not fair…" Rouge cried.

"I know. I miss him too, Rouge-chan." Sanji put a comforting arm around her. "If there was anything I could do to help you, you know I would."

"Really? You would?" Rouge looked up at him, eyes full of hope for the first time since her son died. "So, you'll go to Sadi-chan and get Ace back from her? Oh thank you so much, I knew I could count on you Sanji!"

"Of course I'll, wait, what?"

Roger had agreed to lend him his steed, Pierre, who knew the way to hell, though, so Sanji really had no feasible excuse not to go see Sadi-chan. Not that Sanji was ever against meeting with a beautiful goddess, but hell is hell you know. Plus Sanji's a fan of keeping his limbs where they are, thank you very much.

Sometimes being a divine messenger sucked.

* * *

"Mmmmm, Sanji. I haven't seen you in mmmmmm, ages!" The goddess of the Underworld remarked upon his arrival. He took a quick survey of his surroundings and noticed that Ace, while a little out of it, was seated quite close to Sadi-chan as if in a place of honor.

"I've been kept quite busy Sadi-chan…chan. But alas, as much as I would love to spend time having you abuse me in every sense of the word, I have a task to complete."

"Rouge can't just send mmmmmmmm you down here to take him away from me mmmm you know?" She responded caressing Ace's head.

"Rouge-chan is very grieved by this. He is her beloved son after all."

She slammed her fist against her throne at that comment. "The dead are mmmm for my realm alone! Ace belongs to me!"

This seemed to have the opposite effect, however. "Mellorine! Sadi-chan-chan is adorable when claiming her territory! But," he broke off from his swooning and noodle-dancing, "however rightfully yours he is, it doesn't change the fact that we all miss him. It's just not the same without him…he's our light."

"Mmmmmmm, well if you put it that way…I can't just give him mmmmm back though."

"I understand. ~I am willing to sacrifice my entire body to you if necessary, Sadi-chan-chwan~!!"

"If you say mmm everyone is mourning him," she went on, ignoring his last comment, "then prove it by having all the creatures, alive or dead, cry for poor Ace. If that happens, I'll mmmmmmm return him to his mother."

"You're so generous!! If you want, before I go back…"

"Mmmm, you should deliver my message to Rouge right way, right Mr. Messenger?"

Sometimes being a divine messenger really sucked.

* * *

And so, the deal with Sadi-chan made, Rouge sent out every envoy she could find to every creature that ever existed to get them to cry for her Ace. They were doing quite well too; everyone was going along with it, even the rocks and the stones were crying for him, and it's almost impossible to make a rock cry. Yes, it seemed like Ace would be back in the world of the living in no time.

That is, until they met the giantess.

"Are you sure you're a giantess?" Luffy questioned. "You don't sound all that 'giant' to me."

"_How can you tell you stupid blind boy? You can't even see me!_" She shouted in a shrill falsetto.

"It sounds like you've got a big red nose though."

"_It's a medical condition! You're one to talk anyway! Leave my nose out of this!_"

"Well your nose sounds giant enough, I suppose. What was your name again?"

"_Buggy, I mean, uh…Buggyimeena."_

"Buggyimeena? That's a bit like Buggy. He's the jerk that made me kill Ace you know. You can't be him though, cause he's a guy and you're a girl. Ever meet him?"

"_Nope. Can't say I have…_"

"Well, anyway that's not important." He took a deep breath and began, "I accidently killed Ace as you probably heard but I didn't mean to cause that's why they call it an accident and anyway Sanji went to the underworld to talk Sadi-chan into giving him back and I would have gone but I don't like her very much cause she keeps tying me up but it doesn't matter because Sanji was able to make a deal with her and if we can get everyone who ever existed to cry for Ace than he can come back to us so Rouge sent me over here to tell you this and ask you to cry for Ace so he can come back and everyone will be happy and he can play with me again so will you cry for him?" He blinked at her. "Please?" He added as an afterthought.

"_I will not._"

"Okay, thank you, now I've got to, wait what?"

"_I will not cry for Ace_."

"But…if you don't then he can't come back. Don't you want him back?"

"_No. I don't. I am peeved that you interrupted my nap though._"

"If you don't _want_ to cry for Ace, then I'll _make_ you cry for him. Show yourself coward, I'm gonna kick your ass!"

"_I'm right in front of you!_" Seconds later a fist slammed into her face. "_What was that for you little ingrate?_"

"I told you, I'm gonna make you cry for Ace. Unless you'd rather save me the trouble and just do it willingly."

"_I will __**not**__ do it willingly. Besides if you beat me up to make me cry, I think that defeats the whole purpose of-_" She was cut off by a surprisingly accurate kick to her nether regions.

"Good thing you're a girl, or else that would have hurt."

"_You flashy bastard!_" Buggyimeena's falsetto sounded a bit less forced at this point, but the sniffle in her voice was still quite clear.

"Oh, are you crying now? Crying tears for Ace?"

"_No! You can't make me cry for him no matter how flashily you beat me up! Just accept the fact that you lose and move on with your life!"_

"Even if that is true, I'm still gonna kick your ass for making Ace not come back."

The Giantess's screams could be heard for miles.

* * *

"So she was really Buggy in disguise," Luffy remarked. "Well, that surprised me."

"It should have been obvious from the beginning." Enel said. "At least your blundering revealed the true culprit behind this heinous act."

"True. It's not any fault of yours, Luffy." Shanks said as he rubbed his head. "You did your best. No one here would have been able to make him cry for Ace."

"Yeah, but I'd still like to see him punished or something." Luffy sighed.

"Don't worry, he will be." Roger said to his son. "Our forces have tracked him down to a small house by a river. He won't be able to escape this time."

* * *

Meanwhile, Buggy was planning his escape for this time.

"It's a stupid idea. They'll just fish you out." His wife, Alvida, criticized.

"Shut it you! This is my flashiest plan ever; that 'Pirate's Summit' will never find me!"

"Unless they fish you out…with this net you made…and are just planning on leaving here."

"Like they'll know what to do with the net. For all they know, it's just decoration." Just then they heard footsteps approaching the house. "Now hide yourself quickly, and don't tell them anything!" With that he jumped out a window into the river and turned into a salmon. Alvida sighed, jumped out the opposite window, and sauntered off into the surrounding forest.

"Buggy! We know you're in there! Baaah!" The Enforcers had the house surrounded and crashed through the four windows on either side.

"I guess he's Baah not here." One Enforcer said.

"Look, he left this Baah net behind though." Another noticed.

"He's probably Baah escaped to the river." A third concluded.

"Quickly! Let's fish him out before he Baah gets too far!" A fourth surmised. With that, all the Enforcers made their way outside and fished Buggy out of the river.

"Oh fish sticks…" he muttered.

* * *

Considering everything, the Pirate's Summit was quite lenient with Buggy's sentence. Sure, he was bound to a sharp edge rock on one of the lonelier islands of the Underworld in such a manner that he was unable to move at all as a poisonous snake dripped her venom on his face for the rest of eternity, but at least the let Alvida stay there and catch the venom in a little bowl, so it could have been worse. It was really only bad on the days when the bowl had to be emptied.

"Oh no," Alvida remarked. "It seems that I'll have to go empty the bowl again…"

"Hurry back?"

"Hm, well, I do need to pick up milk on the way back…" She pulled the bowl away and headed off on her errand.

Buggy's screams could be heard for miles. Ace just laughed.


	7. The Death of Baldur Casting Special

**I usually don't like/do self-inserts...at least not this obvious at any rate, but I was bored and had some trouble with picking out who gets to play who in my head, so I typed it up and this came out. Since I haven't updated in a while, I decided to include it as a bonus special thing. **

**It has some pretty major spoilers for Chapter 550 though, so if you don't want to be spoiled, either skip the first half or don't read. If you know what I'm talking about or don't care, then by all means proceed. I do try to be as veiled as I can about them though, but since I know exactly what I'm talking about, I'm not sure how well I did.**

**Either way, enjoy!  
**

* * *

Sometimes making the casting for these myths is easy. Sometimes it's not. This myth was one of those times.

"Should I make Ace Baldur, or should Luffy be Baldur?" The brilliant authoress sighed. "He's supposed to be loved by everyone…perhaps Chopper?"

"No…I don't want to be Baldur, although I'm not at all happy that you're considering me for a leading role you bitch!" Chopper said as he danced around.

"Isn't it your trend to make Luffy the 'King of the Gods' though, Authoress-san?" Robin remarked. "So shouldn't he be Odin?"

"It is, but Baldur has a brother, so if I do make Ace Baldur than only Luffy can play Hodur."

"You know, they aren't really…" Zoro started before being rightfully interpreted.

"IKNOWBUTTHEY'RESTILLBROTHERSATHEART!" She sighed at her predicament. "I could just make a blind man play Hodur…but One Piece doesn't have any blind men…"

"Akainu might be blind." Nami stated. "We haven't seen his eyes yet, so you never know…"

"But when it does come out that he's not blind, I'll just look like an idiot. Maybe I'll start with the other characters first. Rouge is sooo playing Frigga."

"You are picking a character we know nothing about and making her the staring female role? Quite risky of you Authoress-san."

"It'll work…if Ace is Baldur. Ace should be Baldur."

"Well, that will make Luffy Hodur, like you originally wanted." Robin stated. "But then that will leave the part of Odin too…"

"He's _not_ playing my father!" Ace shouted.

"Kind of contradictory, considering…"

"No, I won't allow it! Make Whitebeard play Odin, or I'm not being Baldur!"

"But the more I think about it the more I like it! Lots of people are coming to save you…Baldur's the God of Light, you play with fire…yes it fits damnit! You're Baldur to a tee!"

"That's fine, I'll play Baldur. Just not if _he's_ playing Odin."

"But if Luffy can't be the King of the Gods because he's playing the part of your brother, he's the only logical choice left! Plus with Rouge being Frigga and all…"

"No."

"Listen to reason damnit! I'm just gonna write him just like Luffy, so by objecting to him being Odin, you're really objecting to Luffy being in two places at once. Do you not want Luffy to be in two places at once?"

"You can write a different character as Luffy…like Whitebeard."

"Ace, you know it wouldn't be the same it only works with him, your father, the Pirate King-"

"NO!!" Several hands came up to shut the authoress's mouth. Shouts of "That's a spoiler! Not everyone is completely caught up yet!" echoed.

"Spoilers? I'll give 'em spoilers; spoilers that will make their ears bleed…" She took a deep breath and continued, "SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE!! BRUCE WILLIS WAS ACTUALLY DEAD THE WHOLE TIME!! SHIEK IS REALLY ZELDA!! VADER IS LUKE'S FATHER!! NICOLE KIDMAN IS A GHOST, AND ROSEBUD IS THE SLED!!"

"Sheesh you're a jerk sometimes." Zoro remarked when she was finish. "And you can't even be bothered to write your own damn material either."

"3-chan works very hard and is too tired to come up with something original right now, you ungrateful bastard!!" Sanji launched a Collier Shoot at Zoro's head, who blocked it as their fight began.

"So…" Robin said, "Roger will be Odin?"

"Yeah, and everyone better just suck it up cause it's not like it actually matters anyway. This is a silly little fanfic Ace, I'm sure you can deal with him for the time being."

"Hm." Ace muttered, but said no more on the matter.

"Loki is a pretty important character too." Robin said, looking over the myth. "You would not want to mess him up, would you now?"

"Yeah, Loki's my favorite Norse God, I don't wanna mess that up…perhaps Laki would be a good fit…" Nami whacked the authoress in the head.

"She's a girl! And her personality doesn't fit at all! Don't go by the names!"

"I was kidding. Kinda. The only really trickster in One Piece is Buggy though."

"Then make Buggy Loki."

"But being my favorite Norse God, maybe I should just make him my favorite character…like I did with Hermes…"

"Sanji-san kinda fit with Hermes though, 3-san." Brooke remarked. "He doesn't fit at all with Loki. Usopp-san might work if you want to try that."

"It's the obvious choice, only the great Captain Usopp can portray Loki for all he's worth." Usopp struck a pose.

"That could work…I wouldn't want all that venom hurt my Sanji after all."

"Mellorine! 3-chan cares for my safety!!"

"Yes, only the great Captain Usopp…wait, venom?"

"Yes, Nagahana-kun, did you not read the whole myth? Loki gets punished by having venom drip on his head for the rest of eternity."

"Yeah, Kaya would make a good pick for Sigyn, something Buggy doesn't have going for him." Nami added.

"True…" the authoress considered.

"Captain Usopp unfortunately must decline the offer of the position of Loki. Buggy would be a much better fit, and you can have Alvida by Sigyn. You like randomly pairing them together."

"I do. So, Buggy is Loki and Alvida is his wife and both of them will have to deal with it. Now what about minor characters?"

"You need a ruler of the Underworld." Robin said.

"Magellan."

"Who's a girl…" she finished.

"…Domino. No she has no personality, make it Sadi-chan."

"You need a prophet." Nami started.

"Ivankov worked well last time."

"Who's also a girl." She finished.

"Ivankov has the power of gender-bending, it could work."

"You bet it will!" Ivankov in his female form jumped down in front of the authoress, leather fishnets and all.

"…Robin, you wanna be the prophet?"

"Yes, that should work quite nicely."

"Alright that's settled, who's next?"

"Hermodur."

"He's the god's messenger, like Hermes was, so Sanji should play him, for continuity reasons."

"Like hell!" Zoro shouted. "You never used 'continuity' when you made Alvida, Domino, and Caimie all play Persephone!"

"I have very sound reasoning for that, and you know it. What's this really about?"

"You always put him in. You're playing favorites!"

"I don't _always_ put him in. He wasn't in the second myth."

"That myth had five named characters, three of which were Brooke, Saldeath, and Magellan, the other two of which were girls!"

"But when I added random gods to make the story flow better, none of them were Sanji. Check and mate."

"…You're still playing favorites."

"I'd make you the messenger, but you'd just get lost on your way to hell. Plus, since Hemodur's main role in the myth is to help the goddess Frigga, it actually does fit." He grumbled something but then shut up.

"So Sanji's Hermodur. What's next?"

"The Aesir." Nami said, getting back to business. "You already have some of them, but I think you should add Thor because everyone knows who he is and Tyr, just because having another player in the room is fun."

"Thor is so obviously Enel it hurts, but who's Tyr again?"

"He's the god of single combat…" Robin began.

"Then make him a swordsman like Zoro or Mihawk."

"…who is usually portrayed as a one-handed man." She finished.

"Shanks! Make him Shanks! The Pirate's Summit will be made up of Roger, Rouge, Ace, Luffy, Enel, and Shanks. And Sanji cause the messenger should be there too."

"Someone seems out of place there…" Usopp wondered.

"That's cause she's playing favorites again." Zoro said. "Sanji would never be among such high tiers if someone else was writing this story." A kick to the head silenced him.

"I could if I wanted to! And 3-chan doesn't play favorites so stop accusing her of that!"

"I know I play favorites a lot…I just like my favorites is all."

"…I was actually talking about Enel…" Usopp muttered.

"Sanji's going to need a horse to take him to the Underworld." Robin said to get back on topic.

"Sherry. No Pierre, or maybe Sherry. Does it say anything else about the horse?"

"Belongs to Odin. Has eight legs. Swift as the wind. Not much really." Usopp read.

"Hm…Pierre. Is that it now?"

"If you want to get really technical," Franky added, "you'll need to decide who's SUPAA enough to take out Loki. Or Buggy. Or whatever."

"Who fishes him out of the river?"

"It doesn't say." Robin stated after another quick read through.

"Then clearly they are just minions. Make them the Enforcers."

"Now, some versions have Baldur having a wife…" Nami said.

"And she just sits there and looks pretty. She doesn't even have as important of a role as Persephone. She gets cut."

And so, after much haggling down of the price of using One Piece characters with Nami, the 'Death of Baldur' was eventually completed.


	8. The Story of the Lovers Venus and Mars

**Ha! You try to keep me down, , but I've outsmarted you!! Who's laughing now huh? WHO'S LAUGHING NOW?!?!**

**Sorry, I've been trying to upload this for a while. Anyway...**

**This is the story of Venus and Mars, as requested by Lectori Salutem. When I first read the original myth I felt bad for everyone (except Mars...that bastard) so I tried to do that here. But, I'm afraid my dislike for Hancock might have shone through...**

**Enjoy**

**Pairings: UsoppxHancock, MihawkxHancock**

**Reviews:**

**Lectori Salutem:** I know right?! Yeah, some of the names are retained from tranfering from Greek to Roman. Psyche is one, and Apollo is a good example of another. It has to do with when the Holy Roman Empire conqured Greece and adapted some of Greece's myths with their Gods, but I wont leture you on this matter (is a history nerd!). Yeah, I favor Greek/Roman too, simply because they were the first I heard and fell in love with. I rather enjoy Egyptian myths too. Norse not so much (Balder's is an exception). Thank you and I'm glad you enjoyed it!

**Neo Gene: **And isn't she just awesome? :P Yes, and for the first time ever, if I'm not mistaken (I even beat Oda to it XP). I try, I try. :) Thanks! I'll try to if I can, cause sometimes when I have trouble thinking of who's playing who I just type it out like that and see what happens, but this pretty much just cast itself (except Mars...that bastard) but we'll see about the future.

** : **Aw thanks, you're making me blush...you. I'll try to make them longer, but the myths themselves are rather short and don't really offer much in exploration or developing romance. The only myth I've done so far that could possibly have been made more than one chapter was Hercules, but if I do decide to tackle the Trojan War, that will definitely be several chapters. As for pairings, well, I get a lot of opportunity for some truly crack pairings, but the only one that has had an opportunity to develop was SanjixVivi (CupidxPsyche) and the only one that has shown up several times has been HadesxPersephone, but I keep changing Persephone, so I guess that doesn't count. :P

**lilsketch908: **Thank you! I will probably stick to playing favorites if I can cause, well, I'm kinda like that. Sorry. But it's fine, because even if Sanji isn't your favorite, he's still awesome, so it's okay if he keeps popping up randomly...right? O_O Well, I'm glad I can pass the story onto you, just like a real Bard! *gets stuff thrown at her.* Thank you!

**dandy wonderous: **Woot yey! Being all caught up is fun cause now no one can spoil you...you spoil them! Yeah, she's great like that. Well it should be, logically, but english is like that. Well, what else would they fight over? The title of Pirate King? Gold? No, the One Piece (of pizza). *gets shot for bad puns*. They are supposed to be smart like that. Or whipped, in this case. XP Oh Sanji, why do I torture you so?? That came up accidently, but I rofled too so I let it stay in. Well, they are rubber lungs after all. :P Thank you! Yes exactly the same, except there were only 6...and one was a video game...and it only took about half a minute. She has a whole lot of patience that I couldn't even imagine having, so I bet she's used to it. Oh, I will. I don't know what he's complaining about anyway; he's usually in their too cause I like them together (not nessicarily _together_, they can be though, but, well, you know...)

**Jflower**: Well...I could try. It'll be a bit akward using your OC. It'll basically be me interpereting something you've already got set in your head...which is kinda what fanfiction is. The only difference is that Oda doesn't read this (at least I hope not...), so if it's not exactly what you had in mind then I will apologize now. But I will try it...eventually.

**I (don't) regret having to inform you that despite some (non-existant) rumors, I don't own One Piece.**

* * *

Boa Hancock was, without a doubt, the most beautiful goddess ever. It was quite an obvious fact seeing as she was the goddess of love and beauty, but she still felt the need to have it reiterated ever so often. Despite all this and due to a set of unfortunate circumstances, however, Boa Hancock, the most beautiful being ever to grace this world, found herself married to the long-nosed coward, Usopp, blacksmith god of fires and volcanoes.

Truly this was the most unfair of circumstances; married off like a mere slave to such a man. Usopp did treat her well though, made her the finest jewelry that only helped to exemplify her already stunning beauty and he certainly didn't treat her like the slave her circumstances made her, but it was more of a principle thing to begin with.

She was ready, willing, and practically begging for a way out. So when Dracule Mihawk, the handsome and brave god of war, came with not only gifts and praises but also a way out, then who was she to refuse such an offer?

The affair was, as most are, kept a complete secret. It was quite simply really: whenever Usopp would leave his palace, Mihawk would come over and the two of them were free to do whatever they wanted wherever they wanted. Nobody would think to enter someone else's dwelling when they were clearly out of town, especially a god's, so no one would dare disturb them, unless it came about that they had somehow gotten themselves hopelessly lost.

Cue Roronoa Zoro, sun god with no sense of direction.

One would think that having to move around the world so much, the sun god would have a very accurate internal compass. The truth is the exact opposite. The reason the sun gets to so many places during the day is because Zoro has a habit of being lost on so many occasions.

Today, Zoro was trying to Luffy's palace for some face time with the King. He was off by several thousand miles, however, and ended up in Usopp's palace instead.

_This…isn't right,_ he thought. _Either Luffy went through some major redecorating since the last time I was here or this is Usopp's palace. Usopp should know where Luffy moved his palace too though._ And with that he searched the place for the long-nosed god, forgetting for the moment that he was out of town on some godly errand. When he heard noises coming from the bedroom, he automatically assumed that this was where his friend was and walked right in.

"Hey Usopp-" he managed to say before the sight before him left him utterly speechless. Luckily the room's current occupants were too caught up in their current activities to pay him any mind, so he was able to back out of the room without notice.

_That's right,_ Zoro thought when he managed to get out of the house and collect his thoughts. _Usopp's out of town. So her…and him…and them…the whole time? If Usopp ever finds out, he'll be crushed. But…this can't keep going on behind his back. I've got to tell him._

So when his friend came back from his journey, Zoro sat him down and told him exactly what he saw. Needless to say he didn't take it very well.

"Wh-what are you talking about, Zoro? I know you're jealous that I have such a hot wife, but that's no reason to spread such rumors."

"You know I'm not jealous and that I'd have no reason to lie to you."

"Boa…she isn't like that…"

"You know she is."

"But…she loves me…she has to…"

"Usopp," he put his hands on the other god's shoulders and gave him a small shake, "you know that is complete bull. You're a great guy, but no matter how much shiny jewelry you make just for her, no matter how well you treat her or how much you love her, she will _always_ resent you for her circumstances and because of that will _never_ love you back." He released his shoulders and looked down at his friend. "Really, it's her loss."

The poor god looked like he was about to cry, but a moment passed as he shook that away and looked up at his friend with a new sort of stony determination in his eyes.

"Thank you, Zoro."

Zoro shrugged it off as if anyone in his position would have done the same. "Need my help?"

"No, I can handle this part myself."

* * *

Usopp spent the next three days locked in his workshop crafting, creating, scrapping, then crafting again. Eventually he managed to create the Usopp Net ©. The Usopp Net © was a feather light net made of the hardest steel the smith god could find, making it unbreakable no matter how much you tried to cut it. It was also paper thin, so if an angry husband wanted to hide it on top of his bed so when his cheating wife and her sexy lover decided to defile said bed while the husband was away, neither of them would be able to notice it until it fell on top of them, leaving them unable to escape and at the mercy of the brilliant husband.

At least, that was the plan.

Which was set into motion after Usopp carefully arranged the net so that whoever lay in the bed next would have it trap them completely. He then told Boa he was going out for a few days and allegedly left her all alone in his palace. She immediately called up Mihawk, who immediately came over and immediately took her to the bedroom, where they immediately stripped and jumped on the bed, at which point they were immediately capture in the smith god's clever trap.

Both were equally startled, surprised, and murderous when they heard a round of applause and a choir of catcalls. Usopp flicked on the lights to reveal that he had invited everyone who was anyone to the unveiling of his dastardly plot.

"All of you blessed immortals behold the sight unto which I present you with!" Usopp said in his best narrator voice. "Behold the ridiculous and disgraceful sight I'm showing you! Hancock, the daughter of the king of all the gods, dishonoring me like this simply because I'm a coward."

"And you lie an awful lot…" Sanji, the god's messenger, felt the need to add.

"You're nose is awfully long too." Luffy stated. "I don't mind, but Hancock would."

"Not the point here, and don't interrupt my epic speech! Anyway, she is in love with Mihawk, who is brave and handsome and has a normal sized nose where I do not. If it is anyone's fault though, it would be my good-for-nothing father's who ditched me when I was but a young boy. But come! Come and see the pair together asleep on my bed. It makes me furious to look at them. They are very fond of one another, but I do not think they will lie there longer than they can help, nor do I think that they will sleep much; there, however, they shall stay till her father has repaid me the sum I gave him for his baggage of a daughter, who is fair but not honest."

"Hell no!" Luffy shouted. "She's your problem now!"

While Luffy and Usopp bargained the release fee, all of the gods in the room (none of the goddess wanted to show to the unveiling of such an atrocity) mocked and ridiculed the trapped couple.

"Ohoho, look at how weak little Usopp was able to trap one as mighty as Mihawk." One said to another.

"Clearly such evil deeds do not prosper." The other replied.

"Hey Sanji," Zoro said, "if given the chance, despite know how strong the chains were, you would still hit that, wouldn't you?"

"Zoro," he replied, "if I ever had the chance, even if there were three times as many chains, and if your ugly mug was watching, hell, if _all_ of your ugly mugs were watching, I would indeed still hit that."

Everyone burst out in new fits of laughter at that. Everyone that is, except for Jinbei, the god of the sea. Instead he sought out Usopp in the crowed and asked him to let them go.

"I told you all, I'm not letting them out until I get my dues."

"They've suffered enough already. Have a heart and let them go!"

"I had a heart once…then she trampled all over it."

"If its money you want then just let Mihawk pay you."

"Do you honestly think that either of them will stick around long enough to pay me after I release the net?"

"No, he is an honorable man, but if he does bolt, then I will pay you myself. Just let them go."

Usopp sighed. "I guess I have no choice then." He loosened the net enough for the two of them to bolt, Mihawk to his home and Hancock to her private grove.

The crowd present, Usopp at their head, turned in perfect unison to face Jinbei who was still staring at the space where the couple made their exit.

"So…how much do I owe you?"


	9. Athena, Arachne, and the Weaving Contest

**Hey what's this? I've heard about things like this, but I didn't know they actually could happen...it can't be that...I'm actually updating?!?! **

**Yes, it's true. I'm updating. There's even cake at the end...maybe. **

**Today's myth is of Athena and Arachne and their epic weaving contest. It's very short, and if you add in the months of non-activity here, you have every right to stone me. **

**Enjoy it anyway.**

**Reviews:**

**dandy wonderous: **I've checked with the officials: It's a win, but a bittersweet one. Poor Usopp. Those three are always great, and so fun to write too. :D

**Lectori Salutem: **You're quite welcome! Thanks for the idea. So true. Yes, but that is what makes Egyptian myths fun! I mean, I'm pretty sure Seth changes sides like three times. Who wouldn't want to read that? :P

**The Sacred and Profane: **Thank you very much. Sounds good, so I will totally get to that eventually. *ducks around corner*

**Lady Emzebel: **Thank you! :)

**Amethyst Turtle: **You're welcome. Always glad to assist those in need. ;) Indeed it is...

**Monkey D. Cyntia: **Thank you very much! It so is. Yes it is. Well, the Greeks did invent comedy...I think. XD Yup, I usually have Luffy as Zeus/Jupiter/King of the Gods. He is, but he makes a better pirate. :P Luffy: Master of stealing hearts, especially when he has no idea he's doing it. XP Thanks, I try. Yeah they are! XD Good, that means I'm doing it right. :D Your English is fine, and thank you for the kind reviews!

**shimaCROW: **Thank you, of course I'm not the one who actually created the plot. That goes to the Greeks. That's fine, I heard the author is a lazy slacker and hasn't updated in months anyway. What a jerk. What's next you ask? Awesome, that's what.

**I don't own the characters from One Piece, just kidnap them from time to time.**

* * *

Once upon a time, in a small village in the middle of nowhere, there lived a beautiful maiden by the name of Alvida. Not only was she sought after by many for her looks, she was also a skillful weaver, so much so that she alone was able to put her measly little no-name town on the map, literally. People from all over, mortals and immortals alike, would stop by to simply watch her work.

As such things go, however, Alvida had a little bit of an ego complex.

"I am the greatest weaver that ever existed!" She would boast on a daily basis. "Why, even the goddess Hancock cannot hope to match my skills! Plus I am far more beautiful than her."

When Hancock did hear about these words, she was not pleased.

"I am not pleased!" Hancock roared. "Who does this insignificant mortal wench think she is? Challenging me like that? I should smite her right now to teach her a lesson!"

"You can't just randomly smite mortals every time you feel like it," Margret, one of Hancock's assistants, said. "She's probably just mistaken and doesn't really mean it. Why don't you go check it out?"

"You are right, I suppose," Hancock sighed. "I shall disguise myself as an old, ugly hag and see if I can get that wench to take back her blasphemous words…" At that moment he caught sight of her reflection in a nearby mirror and slowly traced over her face.

"On second thought, I could just send Nyon. She's already an old, ugly hag."

And so, Nyon was sent down to earth to try and convince Alvida to admit Hancock's superiority.

"Really child, you are quite skilled, no one can deny that," she was saying, "but you know not what you are messing with. It is not wise to anger the gods."

"Gods, what can they do to me? I taught myself to weave; I am confident in my skills!"

"Child, everyone and their dead grandmother knows not to mess with the gods. No mortal can hope to compete against Hancock. It's not too late to take back your words and ask for forgiveness."

In response, Alvida threw some thread at her. In Ancient Greek Weaving Circles, this was the equivalent of getting served.

"I don't need your advice hag! I know best what I am capable of! If Hancock really dares, then she can come here and challenge me herself! I won't run away!"

"_If that is what you wish…_" A voice echoed from all around. Everyone else in the area, who knew exactly what was about to go down, immediately dropped into a respectful kneel as Hancock descended upon them. Alvida, defiant as ever, remained standing.

"So you are the wench who dares to challenge me at my own game?" She smirked, "I thought you were supposed to be beautiful."

"Funny," Alvida smirked back, "I was about to say the same thing."

Hancock was not pleased. "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't smite you right here, right now."

"Go right ahead. It'll only mean that you're too scared to face me and prove to everyone that you're nothing but a coward."

Hancock was now in a pinch. She could very easily smite Alvida in all her blasphemy, but she was right. That wouldn't prove anything and cause seeds of doubt to spread far and wide, and Hancock would _not_ allow another mortal with an ego to match her own come out of the woodwork like this again.

"Very well, you shall have your challenge. Just be prepared to accept the consequences afterwards."

Absolutely no time was wasted in setting up the looms, and in even less time the epic weaving contest was underway.

Hancock was weaving the epic tale of her contest against the ocean god Jimbei. She was deploying every godly skill in her power to create and epic masterpiece that moved the on looking crowd to tears and awed them in ways that they were never awed before and could never be awed again.

Alvida on the other hand, had chosen to go a different route and weaved together scenes of all of the gods' mess ups and failures, their weaknesses and fears, basically making a mockery of the establishment of god-hood as a whole. Her weaving was very skilled, and the content brought the onlookers into fits of laughter, which did lead to tears too.

Hancock was furious with Alvida's work. How dare a mere mortal disregard the gods in such a blasphemous way? In a fit of rage, she exclaimed, "You may be foolish and stubborn and nowhere near as beautiful as me, but you love your skill, so why don't you just go ahead and spin forever!"

With that proclamation, she sprinkled the juice of some magic herbs that she just conveniently had on her person on Alvida's head, causing her to sprout hair from everywhere, grow four extra limbs and six extra eyes, become completely round, and shrink so small that even a mere child could squish her like the spider she had now become.

Horrified, Alvida scurried away, doomed to weave constantly forever, only to have her creations destroyed by the likes of man. Hancock laughed in her wake.

"Don't mess with the best," she shouted after her utterly defeated opponent, "because the best just don't mess."

* * *

**In case you didn't know, the cake was a lie. *hides from stones***


	10. The Founding of Rome

**No, as a matter of fact, I'm not dead. Thanks for asking. I have been swamped with school stuff though, so since Ancient Rome is probably going to kill me, I might vanish for a bit from time to time until the end of the semester.**

**On the plus side, you get Roman myths! **

**That's right, today's myth is the Founding of Rome, which is myth, because no one can prove Romulus and Remus actually existed. And there's Mars. Yey Mars!**

**Also I think Romulus was older than Remus, but, well, you'll see why I did what I did at the end, if you don't already know.  
**

**There's a lot of reviews, so there going at the end today.**

**Enjoy.  
**

* * *

There once existed a great king named Garp, who ruled over his lands with a gentle, and crazy strong, hand. He was a fair and just ruler, and everybody loved him. Well almost everybody; his very bitter little brother Blackbeard did not love him.

"I do not love my brother!" He raged about one day. "I mean, yeah he's a good ruler, and technically since he's older than me he deserves the throne, but still I want it!"

Not one to sit around complaining about things, Blackbeard quickly gathered a substantial band of followers and somehow managed to overthrow Garp and place the man under house arrest for all eternity, because _real_ villains don't kill people. They know there are much worse things than death, like sitting back and watching the under qualified, jealous little brother run the country into the ground.

"That's right, I'm so evil!"

"I don't think anyone's buying it," Lafitte, one of Blackbeard's advisors, commented.

"Killing him would be too easy, so I just let him live, which is even easier. But enough of that advisors, that's not why I called you here. I am…troubled."

"About what?" Doc Q, a rather sickly advisor, asked.

"It was so easy for me to dethrone my brother because we're kin. What if one of _my _younger kin tries to do me off as well?"

"Then it was clearly pre-ordained by the gods and you should accept your fate," Van Auger answered.

"Okay, I see where you're coming from, but how about not? We'll put it down as a 'last resort' though. Anyone else?"

"WE COULD TAKE 'EM! BRING 'EM ON!!!" Jesus Burgess, a rather loud, masked, advisor, shouted.

"I like how you think, but we might need something a little more long term. Next?"

"If you're looking for long term," a new advisor named Shiryuu said, lighting a cigar, "you could always just get rid of 'em now."

"Your vagueness intrigues me. Continue."

"Garp has a daughter, Rogue something or other right? Just get rid of her and-"

"I'm not on board with the whole killing family thing at this time. What else ya got?"

"Then just make sure she doesn't get pregnant. No children means no younger, better alternatives means no competition."

"I like the way you think Shiryuu."

So Rouge was forced to become a Vestal Virgin by her greedy uncle, forced away from men in a situation that made it impossible for her to get pregnant. In addition to that, Blackbeard scared away any potential suitors that would have tried to get at her anyway, making it impossible for any man to approach her ever.

Any mortal man, that is.

Roger, god of war, was obviously not a mortal man. He, like so many before him, fell in love with the beautiful Rouge when he first laid eyes on her from his godly perch. Unlike the others before him, however, he was unperturbed by the mere mortal barriers set up to get to her.

"Hello fair maiden," he greeted one day when Rouge was tending to the gardens. She stopped in her tracks and raised a questioning eyebrow, but didn't call out for help, warning everyone about a strange man in the gardens.

"You know, men aren't allowed in these gardens."

"It's cool, I'm a god. I can basically do what I want.

"Oh, okay then. What's up?"

"Nothing much, just viewing everything from my godly perch and spotted your lovely face here among the mortals."

"You're not so bad on the eyes yourself."

They ended up talking for a while, and afterwards, Rouge invited him up to her room.

Nine months later, Luffy and Ace were born.

"Well guys, the last plan was a complete fail," Blackbeard addressed his advisors, "so I'm opening the floor to new ideas, specifically dealing with what to do with my nephews. Any suggestions?"

"This was pre-ordained by fate," Van Auger answered, "you should just accept it."

"Alright, we'll think that over. In the meantime, anyone else?"

"Should have just killed her when you had the chance…"

"Thank you Shiryuu, but how about something that will actually help us?"

"That's not a bad idea," Lafitte said, "You could just kill the helpless newborns."

"That works. Any ideas how to go about that?"

"Burn them!"

"Slice them!"

"CRUSH THEM!"

"Infect them!"

"Send them up a river in a basket and leave them to fate!"

"Okay, after careful consideration of all your ideas, I'm going to go with Van Auger's. It seems the most practical."

So, Blackbeard found a very old wicker basket, kidnapped his nephews in the middle of the night, and sent them down the river, sure he would never see from them again. After all nothing could survive those rapids, and even if they somehow did, there was nothing out in the Italian wilderness except wolves, and no way wolf in their right mind was going to bother raising two newborn human children.

So it was a good thing Jyaburako was pretty insane, by wolf standards anyway.

Jyaburako was getting a drink by the river, as per normal days when a woodpecker* with feathers somehow covering his left eye showed up out of nowhere and landed on her head.

"Hey, do ya mind? I'm trying to drink here!"

"Oh sorry, I thought your face was a severely misshapen rock."

"Well, don't let it-hey, wait a minute!" she turned her head and snapped at the woodpecker, who promptly pecked her head.

"Do you mind, shithead? I'm on a mission from my boss. I have to find some shitty kids in a basket."

"What does that have to do with me?"

"Nothing, but they're supposed to show up around here any minute now, so I'd appreciate it if you didn't eat them."

"I don't eat kids! It's part of my policy."

"My experiences have taught me never to trust wolves, so forgive me if I don't believe you, your shittiness."

"Would you stop that?!"

The woodpecker was about to peck her again, but the sight of a basket coming into view caught his attention, so he flew off to get it.

"Hey come back here, I'm not done with you!"

He managed to fly the basket out of the river and uncover it, revealing two baby boys with raven black hair, one with a facial scar despite his young age and the other with a face full of freckles, sleeping soundly.

"No, shitty-wolf, they aren't your dinner. Go look for food somewhere else."

"I'm not going to eat them! Not that I care, but what do you plan on doing with them?"

"I'm _not_ going to eat them…"

"I said I wasn't going to eat them!"

"I have to find them some human parents to take them in. That was what I was sent here to do."

"You crazy bird? There are no humans for miles upon miles. They'll be dead before you even get close to 'em."

"I'll keep them alive until then, don't worry."

"Do ya even know how to take care of humans?"

"Of course I know how to take care of humans!"

Just then, the one with the scar woke up and started crying, waking his brother in the process, who also started crying.

"Ack! They're making noise! What do I do!?"

"Stupid bird, they're hungry."

"Oh is that all?" The woodpecker wandered over to the nearest tree and started pecking away.

"What the hell are ya doing?"

"Getting them food, duh."

"Humans don't eat bugs stupid!"

"Humans eat meat right? Maybe I can just feed them you."

"Ya need fire for that, and last time I checked, woodpeckers don't have fire."

"Well what do you suggest, Shitty She-Wolf Master of Humans? Because after a few days of nothing, those bugs will start to look pretty tempting to them I'm sure."

"Ya know, my life experiences have taught me that any creature that bangs his head against trees for a living ain't the brightest tool around."

"…that made no sense. Was it supposed to be an insult?"

"You're stupid. Humans, especially babies, drink milk."

"Okay, well why don't you wait here for the milk fairy to stop by and drop off some while I go look for a real option."

"You're even stupider than you look bird, if that were possible. I, being a she-wolf, can produce milk," she lay down on her side and smirked at him, "Bring them over here and I'll feed 'em for you."

"How do I know you won't eat them?"

"Wolf scout's honor."

"There's no such thing!" He sighed, "You better not eat them, or I'll peck your eyes out." He grabbed the freckled one and flew over to where Jyaburako was and placed him down. Tentatively he poked around her stomach for a bit until he found the milk-producing organ and started sucking. Seeing that it was working, the woodpecker brought over his brother to join him.

"It's working…" he observed, completely stunned, before sighing and landing back on her head. "You're going to have to come with us now, aren't you?"

"Yup. The name's Jyaburako."

"Sanji. Luffy," he poked the respective child's head, "and Ace," He poked the other's as well. "So, you know where the nearest humans are?"

* * *

The Italian terrain was much harder to navigate across than Sanji had first calculated, and the humans kept…_moving _(he definitely wasn't lost, it wasn't like he was that stupid green sparrow!), so it took them longer than the woodpecker first thought. Jyaburako wasn't helping much, if by much one means at all.

"Humans are this way!" she said, pointing her head in that direction.

"No, that's where we came from. No one is that way."

"Sanji I'm hungry!" Luffy complained from the wolf's back.

"Me too! Feed me too!" Ace shouted.

"Fine! Hold on!" They had now grown enough to eat solid foods, and since it turned out that Jyaburako, despite bragging about her hunting skills, was horrible at it. As such, finding food for everyone fell on Sanji's metaphorical shoulders, which meant bugs for everyone. It was a very good thing that Sanji just so happened to be an expert at finding bugs, or else they all probably would have starved a very long time ago.

"Open," the woodpecker commanded.

"Aaaaah," both boys obeyed. Sanji dropped the food in their mouths and they swallowed it greedily.

"What do you say…?"

"Thank you Sanji!"

"Wuzzat?" Jyaburako perked her ears up. Everything stood still for a few moments before she bolted off in a random direction.

"What the…wait up shitty wolf!"

As it turned out, Jyaburako had bolted into a field where a kind shepherd named Shanks was currently tending his sheep.

"What's this?" he asked curiously, "Two young babes and a she wolf? I wonder where the father is."

As if on cue, Sanji flew into the field.

"Oh thank gods! Human!" He flew over and landed on Shank's shoulder. "Listen, I know we just met and this is kind of sudden and everything, but I-"

"Ahem," Jyaburako not-so-subtlety coughed.

"_We_ need you to take care of those kids for us. You know, raise them and make sure they don't die."

"What's in it for me?"

"Their eternal love?"

"I'm just a poor shepherd…is that all you can offer me?"

"C'mon Sanji," Jyaburako said, turning back into the forest, "he's not worth it. We can always find someone better."

"I guess…"

"Even if it takes 100 years, we won't rest until we find decent parents for Luffy and Ace."

"100 years…traveling with you…" Sanji turned pleadingly to Shanks. "Please take them! If not for the decency of your fellow man, then for me! _I can't put up with her anymore!_ Besides, they're destined for great things, I promise!"

"No worries lil' woodpecker, I was just teasing. Of course I'll take 'em in! Makino and I've been talking about having kids anyway."

"Thank you, oh kind and generous soul!"

Shanks laughed and pet his head then gathered up the kids in his arms and made his way back home. Sanji flew off his shoulder and landed on Jyaburako's head to wave farewell to the boys.

"I'm going to miss them…" he admitted quietly.

"Me too…say Sanji, you know, if you have nowhere else to go…you could always, like, stay with me…I won't eat you, I promise…"

"Jyaburako…" he bent forward so he could look into her eyes and saw the sincerity there…or lack thereof. Without hesitating, he pecked right in between her eyes and flew off, shouting, "Screw you shitty wolf!" behind him.

"Damnit stupid woodpecker, I'm soo eating you now!"

* * *

Shanks and Makino raised up Luffy and Ace into great shepherds. So great that they were rumored to be the best shepherds on the Italian peninsula ever. This made some of the shepherds that served under Blackbeard jealous though, so they often got into fights with the brothers, so it was a good thing that Shanks also taught them how to fight, and they were the best at that too.

One day they get sick of fighting though, so they just kidnap Ace. Luffy wasn't happy.

"Okay Team Awesome, let's go get Ace back!" He, aka The Leader, shouted at his newly formed team.

"Wait just a minute Strawhat!" Buggy, aka Live Bait, responded. "We don't even know where he is yet, how do you plan on getting him!"

"He's right," Galdino, aka Guy Who Does Most of the Thinking, agreed.

"We already know Blackbeard has him," Ivankov, aka Guy Who Knows Everything, said. Inazuma, aka Guy Who Cuts Stuff, nodded his head in agreement.

"Can we just go already?" Crocodile, aka Guy Who Got Blackmailed Into Doing This, scoffed. Das Bones, aka Guy Who Cuts Stuff, But Not as Efficiently as Inazuma, nodded his head in agreement.

"Yeah!" Bentham, aka The Distraction, shouted. "I'm getting sooooo bored!"

"Right!" Luffy shouted again, "so what's the plan?"

"You're hopeless!" Buggy and Galdino shouted at him.

"If it's not too much trouble," Jinbei, aka guy who actually does stuff, spoke up, "I already cleared a path into Blackbeard's palace where I've already confirmed he is keeping Ace."

"Alright! Good work!" Luffy, Bentham, Crocodile, and Bones walked through the path that Jinbei pointed out.

"But, I didn't have time to dispatch any of the guards yet…" the sound of fighting could be heard from where the four of them were.

"Come Inazuma, we're missing out on the fun." Ivankov, Inazuma, and Jinbei rushed in after them.

"I'm…going to stand watch here." Buggy stated.

"Yes, I think I'll join you."

Luffy, being the eager beaver he is, fought his way through the palace until he faced Blackbeard himself, who was holding Ace captive.

"Ace!"

"Luffy! Run! It's a trap!"

"Too late!" Blackbeard shouted, causing the door to slam and lock behind him.

"Rats should have seen that coming…"

"It's funny; I thought I'd never see you boys again, considering the fact you were supposed to die."

"Yeah, we do that a lot," Ace answered, "you know, the living thing."

"Been doing it for a while now," Luffy agreed. "We're pros at it."

"Aren't you curious as to when I've seen you before?"

"Not really," Ace shrugged, "I just assumed you stalked us."

"It was when you were babies, you know…"

"You stalked us when we were kids? That's creepy." Luffy stated.

"I didn't stalk you! I was at your birth!"

"You've been stalking us since birth?!" Ace said, horrified.

"No, don't you see? I'm…your granduncle!"

"…that it?" Luffy asked.

"You mean you're not shocked?"

"Can't say we particularly care." Ace admitted.

"You're not at all curious as to how two royal princes ended up as mere shepherds."

"Look, whatever happened happened, so there's no need to get worked up over the past," Luffy stated bluntly. "The present though, I can get worked up over that. Give me my brother back." With that, he delivered a punch to Blackbeard's gut, causing him to fly out the window, never to be heard from ever again.

"What a waste of time…" he mumbled.

"Agreed. Let's get out of here."

Unfortunately they could not just get out of there. Because they had just gotten rid of the king, they needed to replace him.

"But that's so boring!" Luffy complained. "Can't someone else do it?"

"Who else would be able to?" Ace sighed.

"How about your Grandfather?" Ivankov suggested. "He's still alive you know."

"Really? Sweet!"

So Garp was restored as the rightful King. Grateful, he offered positions to the boys, who promptly declined.

"We're gonna head north and found a city! It'll be awesome! You're all invited to come too!"

So the brothers and all of their followers went north and founded their own city. And it was, indeed, quite awesome.

* * *

**Omake:**

"Hey Luffy, what'cha building?"

"Just a wall, Ace."

"What for?"

"To keep out attackers and stuff."

"Really? This puny wall's supposed to be for defense?"

"Shut up! It'll be an epic wall when I'm done?"

"Really? Look, I'm invading you're city! And now I'm not, and now I am, and now I'm not."

"Stop jumping over my wall!"

"In, out, in, out, in, out."

PUSH! FALL! SPLAT!

"Oops…"

* * *

*Roman Gods usually had birds that represented them (like Jupiter had the eagle). Guess who was represented by the woodpecker? If you guessed Pluto, then no, you're wrong. It's Mars. So by sending the woodpecker, he's proving he's not a dead beat father. Yey Mars!

**Reviews:**

**dandy wonderous: **MWAHAHA! That is right! I am evil genius I am! Thanks! I'm waiting for the inevitable Hancock vs. Alvida for Luffy smackdown. No she's not, but no one likes her anyway. *blatantly ignores Hancock fan's protests*

**The Sacred and Profane: **She sure did! Thank you, and yeah, Robin would be better suited for the Goddess of Wisdom, but I wanted a Hancock vs Alvida smackdown. Those are fun.

**Lady Emzebel: ***pats head* here, have some soy cake. It is...stupid Hancock. *gets stoned*

**Amethyst Turtle: **Thank you! She got over it by pulling one of Alvida's legs out... Would not put it past the man, and am waiting for it, though I do hope it won't be completely fanservice...oh who am I kidding?

**Lectori Salutem: **Thank you! Sorry about that...in my defense it is a very short myth. Hopefully this one's better, yes? *grabs cookies and runs&

**Jflower: **Yes, I do that sometimes...update I mean. *Looks at other reviews*...pst, you're doing it again... I'm sorry, but I've hit a major writers block with your request. T_T Give me time...I _will_ get it done...eventually.

**Monkey D. Cynthia: **Thank you! I try. Do you really want me to tell you? I could probably write a thesis on why I anti-like Hancock...but I won't. You're welcome, I'm glad my prejudice didn't seep into her character. ^_^

**madamthedrabbler: **Thank you!

**Green-san: **Thank you very much! Soon enough...maybe?

/hetarchive/images/images/himaruya_art/outfit_


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